Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   In New York you can't drink more than a 16 oz. soda, but it is okay to stuff yourself with 68 hotdogs and buns in 10 minuts.

   I love my six-pack so much, I protect it with a layer of fat.

   Teenage: have time & energy but no money Working age: have money & energy but no time Old age: have time & money but no energy! ~

   The older the Facebook post, the creepier your "like" becomes.

   If you're out somewhere and can't find your wife or girlfriend and you're ready to go, start talking to the hottest chick there. She'll find you immediately

   If weed was ever legalized, I can't wait to see the commercials...

   "If you put the federal government in charge of the Sahara Desert, in five years there'd be a shortage of sand.

   Facebook: a place where people announce their problems to the world but not to the person they have a problem with.

   People!! I have been watching the news the last few days. Now, I never took journalism class, but I'm petty sure "Don't Interview Traumatized Children" came right before "Learn To Spell".

   If one drop of semen contains more life than a drop of blood, why don't vampires s*ck co*k? Oh wait, Twilight.

   I've single handedly defeated my erection...

   Cleavage is something you can look down on and approve of at the same time.

   Sometimes I think you should put a condom on your head, because if you're gonna act like a d.ck, you might as well dress like one too.

   It's a difficult day for me today. Today is the day I tell my dog that I am not his biological mother and that his real mother was a b!tch.

   I test girls by sending a text that says "I can't find my phone can you call it?" if she calls, its not gonna work out

   Today is Compliment Someone Randomly Day. And may I just say that this paper bag would go beautifully with that outfit you're wearing.

   I'm not rude...I just wasn't taught to politely pretend to be nice to people I can't stand.

   When I give a quick witted response to a question, I want my friends to clap and say "good answer" several times Family Feud style.

   I love getting voicemails from my grandma. They usually consist of a pause, then "I don't think he's home."

   Why do bras and batteries come in the same sizes?