Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Every time I pull a flash drive out of a computer I feel like a spy.

   Just rescued a beer that was trapped in the fridge!

   once cops get smart enough to put a breathalyzer test at the end of a Taco Bell drive-thru WE'RE ALL SCREWED!

   I haven't seen an Ice Bucket Challenge video in about a week. Did we cure ALS?

   Because of texting, todays generation has no idea of the horror felt when get caught passing a note in class and having the teacher make you read it out loud!

   That "dammit" moment when you forget to take your phone to the toilet so you just sit there like "Now what do I do...?"

   Why does the weather man try and educate me on mother nature? Bro, just tell me pants or shorts tomorrow... hoodie or jacket...

   Note to self, don't introduce yourself to the new neighbors until they have all the heavy stuff moved in.

   Anyone have a truck I can borrow? I need to drag some ATMs about a mile or so

   Hello drama... I didn't see you come in.... this party is by invitation only and I don't see your name on the guest list.... I'm gonna have to ask you to please exit quietly

   Remember before the smartphone when you had to take your laptop into the bathroom with you? God, it's like we were cavemen.

   A minor typo has made me realize what an adorable thing it would be to have a significant otter.

   Unless life also gives you sugar and water, your lemonade's gonna suck!

   hmm, not sure if the thermometer is laughing at me (lol) or if it actually says 101..

   Every time you lie to your kid and tell them that some dumb thing they did is "great"... you're potentially creating the next Ke$ha.

   People better watch their P's & Q's before I start handing out F's and U's...

   Cheered myself up earlier by putting a "no U-turn" sign in a dead-end street.

   I just don't know if women like me. I know when they don't like me 'cause they'll say things like, 'Yeah, that's him, officer.'

   i'm going to take a pic of my son and use age progression to see what he looks like at 16. I'll keep it in his room, and when he finally figures out its him, I'm gonna try and convince him he's a time traveler

   I'm not ignoring you, I'm denying your existence.