Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   My grandpa used to say "The best cure for a broken heart is a piping hot bowl of mom's homemade chicken soup. And a hooker."

   I don't know if my liver or heart hurts more during a break up...

   has a feeling that the so-called "Highway To Hell" looks just like a Wal-Mart parking lot

   Its annoying when I get a notification then see its about a post that I commented on like a week ago. Its lost its luster by then. There should be a statute of limitations on such things.

   If cigarettes are required to have graphic warning labels, beer manufacturers should have to warn drinkers of possible sex with ugly people...

   Forget scholarships and honor societies - the highest academic complement is getting an awesome grade on a paper you half-assed at four in the morning the day it was due.

   You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment at work when you know that you just aren't going to do anything productive for the rest of the day

   -- The Icelandic volcano that has fu***d the majority of Europe's air travel is situated in Eyjafjallajokull, which translates into English as 'fell asleep on my keyboard'.....

   I keep hitting the "escape" key...but I'm still here

   Don't worry about people from your past, There's a reason why they didn't make it to your future.

   - I was just about to nail some shelves to the wall.....Then I thought, screw it....

   I laid awake all night again worrying about why I'm always so tired

   It's better to live one day as a lion, than a hundred as a sheep

   At what age do you tell a highway it was adopted?

   This girl I know is thinking about havin beer pong at her reception... that's walking a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever.

   Stumbled into bed late last night. "You're drunk," she said. "Also, you live next door."

   Early map makers were mostly men, which explains why Florida was usually drawn about 3 inches longer than its actual size.

   looking at photos and seeing how much weight I've gained which has inspired me to make a resolution for 2011: NO MORE PHOTOS!

   I hate people that are conceited. I am so much better than them.

   The Steelers must have partied hard last night...They're still wearing their Halloween costumes! ツ