Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Forget scholarships and honor societies - the highest academic complement is getting an awesome grade on a paper you half-assed at four in the morning the day it was due.

   You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment at work when you know that you just aren't going to do anything productive for the rest of the day

   I laid awake all night again worrying about why I'm always so tired

   It's better to live one day as a lion, than a hundred as a sheep

   At what age do you tell a highway it was adopted?

   This girl I know is thinking about havin beer pong at her reception... that's walking a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever.

   Stumbled into bed late last night. "You're drunk," she said. "Also, you live next door."

   Early map makers were mostly men, which explains why Florida was usually drawn about 3 inches longer than its actual size.

   never got the expression "complete idiot". Is there an Incomplete version.?

   They named a hurricane after a guy, and where did it go? Straight for the virgin islands!

   -- The Icelandic volcano that has fu***d the majority of Europe's air travel is situated in Eyjafjallajokull, which translates into English as 'fell asleep on my keyboard'.....

   I keep hitting the "escape" key...but I'm still here

   Don't worry about people from your past, There's a reason why they didn't make it to your future.

   - I was just about to nail some shelves to the wall.....Then I thought, screw it....

   facing facts; his only hope is the lottery.

   Since it's so hard to find new blades, I had to look at getting a new razor. But after looking at the names I'm a little confused: the Mach 4, the Hydro, the Fusion, the Nitro... Am I buying a shaver or a f*cking jetpack?

   Would it be good news or bad news if your Girlfriend told you that she was already married???

   People who really love their jobs are annoying. Keep that sh*t to yourself.

   I went snorkeling so I could brag to my friends, but I'm having problems photoshopping the bathtub out of the pictures.

   I really cant walk the walk or talk the talk. But if you need someone to drink the drink, I am your girl.