Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Got up at 6am. Did yoga. Had a protein shake. Ran six miles. Started lying about everything.

   Unhinged panic porn you can trust ~ CNN

   I'm afraid of a world run by adults who were never spanked as kids and got trophies just for participating.

   How about instead of flirting and carrying on a conversation under my status that has nothing to do with it's original topic, you try using the chat window, the poke button, or maybe even do it the old fashioned way! Call the B!tch!!!

   It's that time to year to find out what your friends with pools have been up to since last summer.

   My neighbor came rudely banging at my door at 2:30 am, luckily for him I was up practicing on my new drums!!

   thinks the most used sexual position amoung married couples is doggy style, the husband sits and begs and the wife rolls over and plays dead.

   I have a dentist appointment tomorrow. Which means I have nineteen hours to do six months of flossing.

   In the end, I will remember not the words of my enemies, but the silence of my friends.

   DUDE! The vending machine gave me TWO!"

   The word tsunami is not in my phones predictive text dictionary. So if you get a text from me saying, thumang!! Get the off the beach.

   Dear Noah, We could have sworn you said the ark wasn't leaving till 5. Sincerely, Unicorns.

   My mom still tells me not to talk to strangers. I'm 22 mom, I don't talk to strangers, I sleep with them.

   Taco Bell doesn't have a playground because its hard to have fun when you might crap your pants

   Cell phones should have the option to change "airplane mode" to "drunk mode" that way your drunk texts never leave your phone.

   I dont see why facebook feels the need to notify me everyday that some of you have changed your profile picture. Unless your naked...I dont give a sh%t

   Some idiots actually sold their homes and properties thinking the world was really going to end! What losers. I hope my boss gives me my job back on Monday.

   Ladies, don't go after ugly rich men. Make your own money so you can f*ck hot poor guys, like me

   When people introduce themselves to me for the first time, I tell them, "Yes, we've met before." so they feel awkward trying to remember me.

   I just lost another hour trying to figure out how to reset the clock in my car.