Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Loving someone who doesn't love you back is like hugging a cactus. The tighter you hold on, the more it hurts.

   There'd be less accidents if there was a texting lane.

   Hold your tounge and say " I won a math debate"

   roses are red, violets are blue, I suck at poems.. you have nice boobs

   Peppermint Schnapps, the mouthwash you can swallow

   My resume is really just a list of things I never want to do again.

   We can put laser-equipped robots on Mars, but wrinkled dollar bills still don't work in vending machines?

   Tomorrow you'll be able to stop hating people for their political views and go back to hating them for their personality!

   Wouldn't it be great if we could put ourselves in the dryer for 10 mins and come out wrinkle free and 2 sizes smaller...

   I entered what I ate for lunch into my calorie counting app and it uninstalled itself.

   My horoscope says I will meet the woman of my dreams today. Not sure how my wife will take the news but I'm pretty damn excited.

   Here's my gym schedule. Monday, cardio. Tuesday, weights. Wednesday, 7 mile bike ride. Thursday, 15 year break. Repeat.

   I wonder if Buzz and Woody ever met any of Andy's mom's toys... especially since they probably have the same names...

   "I looooove him, I caaaaan't live without him, he is my life" No you don't, your 22, and you met him 6 days ago. Take your dramatic a$$ somewhere else.

   Who else's heart skips for a split second when your girlfriend asks to use your computer?

   some girl told me straight up that she had a boyfriend.. I said well I have a Goldfish! she said what? Oh, I thought we were talking about sh*t that didn't matter."

   I always wanted a good job and to drive fancy cars... finally I am a valet.

   just scraped 3 inches of "Mostly Cloudy" off my car.

   I need new haters. The old ones are starting to like me.

   You're so creative taking pictures of your face in 11 different angles with your phone. How do you do it??