Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Walking past a new employee's desk & yelling, "Do you think it's a good idea to be surfing porn on your first day?" will never get old.

   Dear MTV, I was wondering if I could get my "M" back..... you know, since you're not using it. Sincerely, _usic

   was playing "FARMVILLE" when immigration showed up and took all my workers ! ! !

   Dear gas station owners, instead of selling condoms and novelty items in your restrooms, how about you sell toilet paper that doesn't make your butthole bleed? Just a thought.

   A guy from kentucky won a 60 million dollar jackpot recently. He said he's going to split all the money with his wife and sister. Wow, that's one lucky woman.

   How to give a great handjob. Step 1: Use your mouth.

   Would You Like a Table?” … “No not at all, I came to the restaurant to eat on the ground. Carpet for 5 please.”

   Two of the greatest mysteries of the universe: 1) Why are we here? 2) How come Chinese restaurants don't serve breakfast?

   If I ever run into Captian Crunch, I'm gonna punch him in the roof of his mouth.

   So if I get the job at Walmart,,, do I pull my own teeth out,, or does it happen during orientation ?

   How many times do I have to say "excuse me" before "get the f*ck out of my way" becomes acceptable?

   Look, here's the deal: If you're into immature, sexually compulsive men who drink too much and need to be the center of attention at all times, you are going to find me very attractive.

   and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, I knew it was time to go.

   You don't appreciate a lot of stuff in school until you get older. Little things like being spanked every day by a middle aged woman: Stuff you pay good money for in later life

   My career plans were much more exciting when I was five.

   Just once, I'd like to see a judge take the verdict slip from the jury, look at it, and then turn and say, "ARE YOU SHlT'N ME?!"

   The MTV Movie Awards are a great reminder of why kids should never be allowed to vote.

   Love means sharing your thoughts, your fears, your dreams, your hopes and your french fries.

   Loving someone who doesn't love you back is like hugging a cactus. The tighter you hold on, the more it hurts.

   There'd be less accidents if there was a texting lane.