Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Never go to bed angry. Stay up and plot your revenge.

   more then a lil surprise Mark Ingram won the Heisman Trophy, I thought Obama had it in da bag?!?!?

   I just read a list of 'the 100 things to do before you die'. I'm pretty surprised 'yell for help' wasn't one of them...

   who had the bright idea of putting an "s" in the word lisp?

   What is a horse shoe? What does a horse shoe do? Are there any horse socks? Is anybody listening to me?

   hippopotomonstrosesquippedaliophobia is the fear of long words

   If a mute kid swears,does his mother wash his hands out with soap?

   Yesterday, citizens of Norway woke up to a weird blue light in the sky, which the Russian Defense Ministry later claimed was due to a failed missle test. Thank goodness. I was worried it was a UFO. It's nice to know it's just a renegade Russian missle.

   What I don't get is how paper beats a rock. It should be changed to Rock, Bomb With A Cuttable Fuse, Scissors.

   Whenever I fill out an application, in the part that says "If an emergency, notify:" I put "DOCTOR". What's my mother going to do?

   I make them say ahh, just like I'm your doctor.....All I prescribe is cranberry and vodka

   eff you Martha Stewart, and your sanctimonious Everyday Food magazine too! Easy to make cookies my ass!

   Whoever decided that a one inch Mars bar should be called 'fun size' needs to seriously re-examine their standards for entertainment.

   n't it annoying when you accidentally drop something like a bread crumb into your keyboard and you have to get ighhghghghghhghghbhbhghgbhbhbggggggggggggh

   Why is it that when I talk to God I am said to be praying, but when God talks to me I am said to be schizophrenic?

   it's one thing for Tiger to promote Nike and the slogan "just do it," but it's another thing to live by it.

   I have found that if you love life... life will love you back

   puts the lotion on it's skin or else it gets the hose again.

   got a sweater for Christmas ... he really wanted a moaner or a screamer 

   pu ton your yalmulka, here comes hanukkah, it's so funukkah to celebrate hanukkah!