Funny Status Messages

   Wish facebook would stop showing me dating websites as, besides the fact Iv never felt the need to use one, I don't think this would be a stella time to go out and mingle with strangers.

   Live life on your own terms. I certainly do. The terms were 0% down and a dollar a month in perpetuity. I'm only hoping I have some perp left in my tuity.

   They need to change all of the street signs on my street. It seems that stop, yield and speed limits have no effect. They should change them to “safe Drivers save 40%

   I have yet to see a clear toaster so that I can see how well my toast has been toasted... you have seen one???

   Husbands calm down are two words you should never say to your wife.

   I'm going ghost hunting. If you don't hear from me again... Try contacting me through EVP.

   This guy at work said not to use (SSD) solid state drives because if they get infected with malware it spreads faster.

   How can you fill up a room with people without putting a single person in it? .......

   .. HIJKLMNO is the chemical formula for water, right? ...... H to O

   Best way to teach your kids about taxes is by eating 30% of their Halloween candy.

   What the heck is Pizzagate? In any case it makes me hungry, I'll have mine with anchovies.

   I wish I loved anything as much as yankees love fireworks. #nojobbutcanaffordfireworks

   No thanks on the street corner baskets for Valentines Day. Just put those $10 on a chipotle card.

   I'm a good person. That's why I don't talk to many people. Too good for them.

   In the 70s Volkwagen owners use to say "Home is Where The Bus Is...." But owning a old bus nowadays is more like Home Is Wherever the Bus is Broken Down.

   What if I told you everyone you know on social networking websites is me.

   Did you know that coffee spelled backwards is eeffoc, which explains why I don't really give eeffoc about many thngs until I'm finish drinking it.

   Sorry this card’s a bit late, but I guess you used to think you showed up a bit late... like bad decisions and condoms. Congrats on your new baby!

   I don't want to read it because I don't want to change the way I look at a certain someone.

   Wonder how there could be a Facebook group on Facebook calledFacebookers Anonymous which must be like trying to hold his successful AA meeting in a bar.