Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I need a new assistant for my knife-throwing act. Also need a large rug and a gallon of bleach.

   With subpar graphics and no discernable plot, TurboTax is, hands down, the worst video game I have ever played.

   I can't see an end, I have no control and I don't think there's any escape, I don't even have a home anymore...Definitely time for a new keyboard.

   todays to do list.. 1) buy a sword. 2) name it kindness. 3) kill people with kindness.

   If at first you don't succeed, you'll get a lot of free advice from folks who didn't succeed either.

   you will have "im a barbie girl" in your head in 2 seconds.(:

   people will believe anything if you whisper it.

   What happened to Swine Flu?

   its time for you to go now..you've been there to support me and when I couldn't control myself you took the load in your stride, but now after 7 years you've become just too damn clingy....goodbye my sweet little Spiderman underpants...I will miss you

   Whenever people are speaking a different language in front of me, I automatically assume they're talking about me and give them a dirty look just to let them know I'm on to them.

   has been thinking a lot lately. Did I say "thinking"? I meant "drinking."

   ..i think Facebook needs a "Yes I Like Your Status And Have Commented On It ... But I Don't Want To Know When Everyone Else F*cking Does!" button

   Dear twilight fans : Please realise that cause Vampires are dead, and have no blood pumpin through them, they can never get an erection ! Enjoy fantasizing about that !!

   drinks too much. The last time I gave a urine sample it had an olive in it.

   there are two kinds of facebook friends... the kind on FarmVille and the kind you like.

   A lot of peeps these days have a B.A., M.D., or Ph.D. Unfortunately, they don't have a J.O.B.

   If TuPac and Biggie were still alive Kanye would be folding T-shirts at the Gap right now.

   There's something incredibly beautiful about a woman that doesn't realize she's incredibly beautiful.

   If you emphasize the ‘po’ in police they’re probably already after you

   The movie “Noah” comes out this weekend. It follows the story of a family trying to survive God's wrath on a giant boat for months. Or as that's more commonly known, a Carnival Cruise.