Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Post a pic of your favorite nut to help raise awareness of testicular cancer. The goal is to see nothing but nuts for the rest of the year. (

   You know you're addicted to Facebook when you log off your computer, leave the house, get in your car and log back on using your phone.

   Pie can't compete with cake. Put candles in a cake, it's a birthday cake. Put candles in a pie, and somebody's drunk in the kitchen.

   Immature = a word, boring people use to describe fun people

   If someone breaks your heart, just punch them in the face. Seriously, punch them in the face and go get some ice cream.

   I am currently putting together a workout video called "8 Year Abs"

   How I eat my ramen: 1. Boil water 2. Eat dry ramen noodle block 3. Drink boiling water 4. Snort seasoning packet 5. Cry myself to sleep

   WOW!!! Your profile picture is a car, I never knew you were a transformer.

   I swear, its like EVERY payday I gotta spend money cause there's a birthday party to go to, a wedding, a baby shower, a new video game, a new stripper, something. Always something...

   I just hit a guy in a Smart Car with my bicycle.......................he didn't make it

   I went to walmart today... I got the cart with three wheels and a hoof.... This always happens to me.

   I bet cats are pissed they can't sit on televisions anymore.

   My shoulder just got to 2nd base with the chick who is cutting my hair...

   I'm going to stand outside, so if anyone asks I am outstanding.

   Apparently my microwave has two settings....Cold in the center and Surface of the sun...

   Billion dollar idea: Make a prescription drug that gets rid of the side effects of all the other prescription drugs.

   UPS, FedEx, and DHL trucks should play a jingle like ice cream trucks so we know when our packages are coming.

   If you are the winner of Friday's $500 million Mega Millions jackpot can receive the winnings in one lump sum, yearly installments, or one tank of gas.

   "Whatcha doin' ... Payin' bills? I'm just gonna lay on top of 'em, K? Oops, I knocked them all over. Let me shove my ass in your face." - The Cat

   If pigs really could fly I bet their wings would taste delicious.