Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   you aren't as good as the rest of em till you beat the best of em

   Dont have phone sex You might get hearing aids

   Can you imagine all the wierd stuff that would going on in the world if everyone who was "following their dreams," did so after one of those late night spicy pizza dreams?

   Some people should have a glass bellybutton so when they get their heads so far up their asses, they can see out!

   Picking up dog poo in the dark is like playing the worst kind of Where's Waldo imaginable

   If the outside is so great, why has man spent hundreds of years perfecting inside.

   I saw some drunk guy chasing his shadow down the street screaming "Give me back my wallet."

   convinced that if people really follow their dreams no one would get anything done 'cause people would just be having sex with everyone everywhere.

   I saw a sign on the back of a dump truck that said: "Happiness is getting your load off."

   ┣▇f͟͞a͟͞c͟͞e͟͞b͟͞o͟͞o͟͞k͟͞▇▇═─™ This drug is very efficient for cases of chronic boredom. Extra doses can lead to farmville sydrome and turn you into a annoying tool

   Marriage is the process of finding out what kind of man your wife would have preferred...

   The longest sentence known to man: "I do."

   Right now, my bracket is like a drunken one-night stand: sloppy but still doable....

   just got out of the shower and dried off with a Sham Wow! Now he's slipping into a Snuggie and playing with his Mighty Putty.

   - My mates were arguing over whether a glass was half empty or half full. So I took the glass and put the contents into a smaller glass. Problem f***ing solved...

   My baby just did something so smart that I'm thinking of ordering a maternity test

   Why is it you never crave Chick-Fil-A until it's Sunday...the one day they're NOT open?

   Hamsters are really stupid, but, I'm the girl spending money to keep one housed and fed, so, there you go.

   wondering if Luke Skywalker ever masturbated using the Force

   feeling like George Washington on a $1 bill... real single.