Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Welcome to adulthood, if you sleep on the wrong pillow you’ll feel like you got in a motorcycle accident for three days

   [2025] Me: *tapping out Morse code on wall shared with neighbor* Man, I miss 2020.

   A teacher grabbed my arm in the 3rd grade and pulled me to the back of the line. When I asked what I did, she said you know what you did. I’m 60 and I still don’t know.

   My dog is LAZY. Instead of chasing cars, he just lies on the front porch and writes down the license plate numbers. 🐶

   Oh baby, I can't wait to get you alone and see what you look like without a mask

   I guess COVID is now spreading into the fish population. Apparently a bunch of marlins have it.

   Geez I shouldn't have clicked on that flying drone ad as now my news feed is filled with a million different kinds of drones for sale :/

   I don't get the lowest common denominator mentality of FB groups. Someone posts something thought provoking and gets no attention. Someone else posts "What's better, a Whopper or a Big Mac?" and they ago berzerk answering.

   Has somebody tried giving 2020 a Snickers?

   if this 2nd stimulus goes through, I want this payment in pennies so I can swim in it like Scrooge McDuck

   Someone threw a jar of mayo at me...I was like, "what the Hellmann"?

   I’d been waiting so long for my doc, when the assistant came out and called for Krokowski, I said right here, here I am and ran back before Krokowski knew what happened.

   Dear Baseball, Six innings is plenty.

   Does anyone know if Santa will be sending out a progress report?

   I think I am going to get a Dr's lab coat and post a video on how to treat Covid with my credentials being "A bunch of my family are Dr's, so that makes me qualified".

   What's longer: a microwave minute or a treadmill minute?

   Wanting to watch OANN for the truth is like eating donuts for weight loss.

   A cashless society was predicted in the Bible. It was written in the Book of Visa.

   My husband gets me to scream his name by doing his signature move of not leaving any toilet paper in the bathroom.

   My daughter just asked me a math question then proceeded to make motorcycle noises in case you were wondering how homeschooling went this year