Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I’m starting a protest tomorrow. Fat Lives Matter! Meeting at McDonald’s at 10, then KFC at 11 then Burger King at 12

   My super power is picking up all the laundry in one arm then bending over for 5 minutes picking up that one sock that keeps falling out.

   Some people are like bees. They bring honey, but they also sting. 🐝

   Due to social correctness, BIack Sabbath will now be called, "A Dark Shade Of The Day Of Rest."

   Keep a prayer on your lips and a pistol on your hips. It's not going to get better anytime soon.

   Excuse me, but does this sumo wrestler costume make me look fat?

   I'd like to take a moment to congratulate the Ieft on their conquering 2 cartoons, a box of pancake mix and a bottle of syrup.

   What about the red door ? Do you still want it painted black ?

   Who has the guts to tell Shaquille O’Neal that the General has been seen riding around with Snoop Dogg?

   From Cairo, Egypt: The government has instructed all city cab drivers to sound their horns while driving through the city. It's hoped that a return of familiar city sounds will help restore calm due to the pandemic. Operation Toot N Calm Em will last abou

   I'm not afraid to admit it. It's time like these that I like go to my "special place", and caress my emotional support firearms.

   From Cairo, Egypt: The government has instructed all city cab drivers to sound their horns while driving through the city. It's hoped that a return of familiar city sounds will help restore calm due to Corona. Operation Toot N Calm Em will last a week.

   I don't know how you ladies can pluck your eyebrows out.. I just pulled a stray moustache hair and cried like a little girl

   I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian.

   I wear a mask in public, not only because the vast majority of doctors say it’s safe and an effective way to combat COVID-19, but also to hide my second chin.

   So I recently learned that that plastic thing you pull off the top of the Pringles can can be put back on so it’s like you never opened it. Still not sure why you would need this though.

   A guy in the waiting room at the therapist’s office kept whispering they’re coming to get us, they’re coming to get us, I sat next to him and whispered how much longer, I’ve been waiting an hour.

   [listening to the neighbors argue through the walls]: mmw mmwm wmmw mwm mwwmm wwmw mwm wmmwm wwmw mmwm mwwm mmw mmwm mwwm mwmwm me: oh stephanie you’re better than this

   I was thirty five years old before I realized that a hamlet wasn’t an omelette with ham.

   got kicked out of Home Depot for trying to ride the forklift into the bathroom again