Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I did my IQ test online today and got scammed out of $50,000.

   If you can't look back at your younger self and realize that you were an idiot, you probably still are.

   It's hard to stay in your lane when your life is an endless multi-lane highway.

   Mother's Day is over, back to making sandwiches.

   I cannot believe all of these people are out! -Me when I’m out

   Look on the bright side parents, at least now you have an excuse not to take the kids to Chuck E Cheese.

   An agnostic is just an atheist who is hedging his bets.

   Pro Tip: If you wear a face mask your coworkers can't smell the alcohol on your breath.

   After spending weeks in the house with my family during the quarantine, I now see Jack Nicholson's side of things in the Shining.

   At the store today, there was an X for me to stand on...heck no....I've seen way too many Road Runner cartoons to fall for that crap.

   Wonder if the cure to the Coronavirus can be found in the Tupperware container in the back of my refrigerator?

   * He has put his foot in his mouth so often, that his foot bone spurs has transferred to his brain and that is why he can not act rationally.

   If you don't think this quarantine has changed people, I just want to point out that it turned Jake from State Farm black...

   If I get one more poke, I'm going to need some plumber's putty.

   20 years ago no one knew what gluten was. Now there are like three people left in the world who can eat a bagel

   Education is important, but opening the pubs is importanter.

   Every woman likes to be swept off her feet. It's when you put her in the trunk that she starts to freak out.

   If you don't think this quarantine has changed people, I just want to point out that Jake from State Farm is no longer white

   So,...about these murder hornets, do you send them a list of names or what? How exactly does it work?

   I recently took a pole and found out that 100% of the people in the tent were angry when it collapsed.