Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If Justin Timberlake can bring sexy back, then I can bring Afros back...."This is Humidity and I approve this message"

   bringing Afro's back....this message is sponsored by humidity

   Humidity = Bad hair day!! Thinking of shaving her head....Britney Spears style

   I am sensing a great disturbance in the force. A disturbance I havn't felt since Darth W Bush was in office. I fear the new sith lord Darth Pelosi is starting trouble.

   confused...the system admin told me to 'have a little patients.' Does this mean I need to become a pediatrician?

   Gun control? We need bullet control! I think every bullet should cost 5,000 dollars. Because if a bullet cost five thousand dollar, we wouldn't have any innocent bystanders.

   I felt sorry the hypnotist I saw last night He hypnotised seven men then dropped the microphone on his foot & yelled "F*ck me!".. What happened next will haunt me forever!

   you can't fix ugly with makeup

   he let me duct tape his mouth because I said it was my fetish, I really just wanted him to shut up

   im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets

   Do you ever go through someone elses pictures and just appreciate the fact that youre not really friends with them?

   I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.

   Did you know your Index finger is a perfect fit for your nostril?

   Considering the fact that god is the creator of everything....Does that mean he's chinese then.... ??

   a instant human.........just add coffee

   Donate an organ and give your heart to Jesus

   everybody needs sex. we need stories to tell are friends. Like "the prostitute gave the money back... no lie."

   Don't you wonder why people look back at the same spot when they trip over it? As if the sidewalk is going to talk back or laugh at them.

   Saw Jack B. Nimble today at the candlestick store. Don't know why he has to jump over those things! Seems too risky.

   finds is dam funny that Chris Brown sang the American anthem at one of the biggest boxing matches in 5 years...