Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   DISCLAIMER: I am not responsible for things I may say or do in other people's dreams.

   To the guy who named cotton candy: Yes! It looks just like it sounds. To the guy who named Milk Duds: What the hell is wrong with you?

   you know you've had too much to drink when you try to fax someone a fruit rollup.

   Thank you music, for being there when no one else was.

   Just asked my barber for a Justin Bieber haircut... The f*cking idiot just shaved my pubes off.

   Do you ever walk toward automatic sliding opening doors, hold your hand up, and as they open think, maybe, just maybe, the force is with you today??

   I wish memories were like text messages so we could delete the ones we dont like & keep the special ones forever.

   I'm just like everyone else: I put my straight jacket on one buckle at a time.

   If you don't cuss when you drive you aren't paying enough attention to the road.

   If somebody's presence does not add value to your life... then their absence should make no difference!

   Glow-in-the-dark condoms: now you see it, now you don't!

   "Handle every stressful situation like a Dog.....Pee on it and walk away."

   "If I weren't such an alcoholic I would throw my drink in your face"

   I'm wondering why life keeps teaching me lessons I have no desire to learn...

   You know you're getting old when one of the Goonies is now playing a grandmother in a TV comedy.

   wonders who opened that first oyster and said, "My, my, my... now doesn't this look yummy!"

   would like to offer you a helpful tip : Build a bridge.....AND JUMP OFF IT!!

   If I select the "Advance Pat Down" option instead of the Full Body Scanner, do I get some Barry White music and a nice glass of Merlot?

   Do car companies REALLY think it's possible that a spouse is secretly able to obtain financing, purchase a car, have it wrapped in a bow, and delivered on Christmas Eve?

   brought to you today...by the neighbor's router. ;)