Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   The best things in life are free.... or have no interest or payments for one full year.

   My philosophy? People who have creepy dungeons probably don't wear a watch. So, when a stranger asks for the time, I pepper spay them.

   The Deadliest Catch would be so much cooler if they'd plant a serial killer on each boat.

   Where did Macaulay Culkin get the cardboard people for the party in Home Alone? Don't tell me you haven't also wondered this from time to time.

   I miss The Oregon Trail. Life seemed so simple when your biggest worry was killing enough buffalo before you died of dysentery.

   I think my upstairs neighbors are shouting about who can stomp the loudest.

   An Officer came to me and asked "Where were you between 4 and 6?" I responded "Kindergarten."

     If you steal a clean slate, does it go on your record?

     When they say "instant credit," they actually mean "instant debt"!

   The founder of 'Jews for Jesus' died today.. the funeral will be catered by 'Vegetarians for Meat'

   There should be breathalyzers installed in phones and facebook, that read "cannot text, call, or update status while under the infulence"

   just got a painting of David Carradine and I hung it in my closet.

   nice perfume....must you marinate in it?

   if I mad 9.9 million dollars a year,.. a b*tch wouldn't be my problem either."

   working on his six pack, of beer that is!

   Karma: The "Gotcha" of the gods

   I stopped playing UNO with the Mexicans ,They Cheat They keep stealing all the Green Cards !!

   I know for a fact that one of my facebook friends are playing with thy self as I write this status..ok who is it???

   As of tommorrow, Facebook will creep into your bathroom when you're in the shower and tweak your boobs. To change this option, go to Settings > Personal Settings > Bathroom Settings> Boob Tweakage Settings and uncheck the Shenanigans box.

   The Orioles have been so bad for so long that MLB is now requiring them to take performance enhancing drugs