Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Don't ever wrestle with a pig. You'll both get dirty, but the pig will enjoy it.

   you may be an engineer if you know the direction the water swirls when you flush.

   My Bathroom scale just did 0 to 235 in 3 seconds, who needs a sports car? Wow thats fast........

   my wife hates fish especially the smell, so I took it upon myself to fry up 3 lbs of salmon 30 minutes before she comes home...

   getting outta the shower on a cold day only to realize there isnt a towel in sight... priceless... guess i'll just use my dirty t-shirt..

   I got water trapped in my ears after taking a shower.. It was a near deaf experience

   A Chicken Sandwich walks into a bar, and orders some food & beer. The bartender says: "Sorry, we don't serve food here".

   Jesus saves, he shoots, HE SCORES!!

   Truly loveing another means letting Go of all expectations. It means full acceptance, eather good or bad

   Great ideas often receive violent opposition from mediocre minds

   For sale : Twin beds, one hardly used.

   This status update is a test. It is only a test. Had it been an actual status update, you would have received further instructions on where to go and what to do.

   South African authorities are estimating that 40,000 sex workers will trickle in for the World Cup. Wow! I had no idea hookers like soccer so much!

   While I like the idiom "You catch more flies with honey than with vinegar", it remains the unvarnished truth that sh!t attracts more flies than anything.

   If a baseball is hit out of the stadium, travels completely around the world, re-enters the stadium, and is caught by a fielder, is it a home run or an out?

   earns a seven-figure salary. Unfortunately, there's a decimal point involved.

   On my first day of school my parents dropped me off at the wrong nursery. There I was... surrounded by trees and bushes.

   Today is . . . the tomorrow you thought about yesterday.

   Would you rather be a ginormous hampster or a tiny rhinocerous?

   me and procrastinating have this love hate relationship going on.... but I'll do it later...