Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   ..is having a threesome with two men tonight : Ben &Jerry. x

   I like to hit snooze a couple of times before I wake up, but my girlfriend likes to hit me a couple of times until I wake up.

   I have the same body I've always had. Adjusted for inflation, of course...

   Collecting my thoughts... I almost have a whole set!

   Apparently when the interviewer asks if you speak any other languages, the appropriate response is NOT "Innuendo" followed by a saucy wink.

   Here I sit, all broken hearted. Had to sh*t, but only farted. Till one day, I took a chance. Tried to fart, and sh*t my pants

   Time to go foot race the homeless man again! If he wins I give him $50. He's got faster since I first started doin this

   Never get directions from the illiterate. "Turn left on Cave" is actually, "turn left on C Ave."

   Create me a phone that, when I get a call from someone I do not like, it goes straight to voice mail. When they do, I will then accept it as a “Smart Phone.”

   1 Hairspray and 2 tons of make up still dont replace brain!!!

   I think the american people should be allowed to show the BP executives and some of these clowns in our government just what a true "JUNK SHOT" is

   Your luck is so bad, that if I put a bucket of pu*sy in front of you, you would reach in pull out an a**hole!!

   thinks that bread is to ducks as dollars are to strippers, ya feed one and three are waiting next in line..

   dear mum and dad I dont know how you did it but thanks for making the sexiest creature alive!!

   Two girls, one cup.........The Williams sisters at Wimbledon.

   it sexual herassment if a midget tells you your hair smells good?

   Lost his mind somewhere.. If you find it please put it back in the gutter.

   GIRLS; Some of them want to use you.., some of them want to get used by you...

   it me, or did American Idol invite all the senior citizens of Rock they could find??

   A Glimpse by defintion, is an impermanent thing!