Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If you ever wake up naked on your neighbour's lawn, just pretend you're a werewolf.

   Christmas is really kind of weird. “Let’s all sit around a dead tree in the living room and eat candy out of our socks”

   You know you are getting old when you throw out your back but you don't know how it happened.

   My wife's fish net stockings are so tight that my legs look like wafer cookies when I take them off.

   Cinnamon is just sawdust with good PR.

   Santa: I can't wait for the cookies I'm gonna get in Colorado.

   Dear Mark Zuckerberg, All I want for Christmas this year is fonts.

   Opened a Christmas card today and rice fell out....Must have been fro Uncle Ben.

   Continuing to play the victim is a self-fulfilling prophecy. Blaming others for your situation in life will indeed make you a victim but the abuser will be your own self, not life or those around you.

   Rain rain go away so I don't end up staring at Facebook all day.

   No matter how tough you think you are, there's always a closed pistachio ready to mess you up.

   Family planning experts are now recommending giving men vasectomy gift cards for the holidays. Talk about taking the jingle out of the bells.

   "I just called to say I love you." -Stevie Wonder not understanding how prank calls work

   My wife is amazing in bed. She can fall asleep immediately no matter how loud the TV is on.

   My wife gained so much for Thanksgiving she left the house this morning in high heels to get coffee and came home with flip-flops

   I don’t believe all of this stuff about GMOs being bad for you. I just had a leg of salmon and it was delicious!

   1987 was a great year for the payphone.

   When I was a kid, we had to do emojis with our face.

   If you have the facts on your side, pound the facts. If you have the law on your side, pound the law. If you have neither on your side, pound the table.

   Whenever I’m pissed off at my wife I turn all of the shampoo bottles right side up in the shower.