Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If I had a dollar for every calorie I burned tonight, Id be in the hole 1200 dollars! Thanks Alot Papa Murpheys

   Those who criticize usually have nothing else better to do, or expect someone else to do it for them!

   I think I found the solution for the global warming...we can send that guy that I now, who's responsible of 65% of gas emissions on earth, to space...and the problem will be solved.

   A psychiatrist is a highly paid baggage handler.

   Actual Sign in a bar: "Those drinking to forget please pay in advance."

   Why is in that in America they make the sick walk all the way to the back of the drugstore to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.

   Never let your sense of morals prevent you from doing what is right.

   Do it tomorrow. You've made enough mistakes for today.

   True friends are like diamonds, precious and rare. False friends are like leaves, found everywhere.

   Bad news: I burned my finger on the toaster. Good news: 1 down, 9 stupid incriminating fingerprints to go.

   it's not illegal it's frowned upon

   Less work. More aholic.

   saying AT&T promised bars in more places, but everywhere I go I see the same bars and the same drunks

   Not to be insensitive, but this oil spill better not affect my access to delicious pelican meat.

   why can't we just get a big pair of pliers and crimp that oil leak shut??

   Sticks and stones may break my bones but words ........... words will never f**king fail me !!!

   If your blonde and you know it stomp your feet! *clap* *clap*

   You're never more indignant in life than when you're shopping in a store that you feel is beneath you and one of the other customers mistakes you for an employee of that store.

   Done today: ☑ Got groceries, ☑ Relaxed, ☑ Eating, ☑ Been cool, ☑ [Censored].

   A perfect summer day is when the sun is shining, the breeze is blowing, the birds are singing, and the lawn mower is broken.