Funny Status Messages

   All shoes are technically buy one get one free...

   Can't believe it's been a whole year since the world ended in 2012

   People who bite icecream scare the hell out of me

   I think Oprah should marry Deepak Choprah and take his last name.

   Someone told me that I seemed a little more classy than usual. The only thing I can think of is they somehow found out I used a Target bag instead of one from Wal Mart to line my bathroom's wastepaper basket.

   I don't think my Neighbor's wife watches porn, I have been cleaning her pool for 3 hours now and she still hasn't invited me inside :/

   At what point in potty training do you give the child a toy smartphone?

   cable TV.... helping us avoid Presidential speeches for nearly four decades

   Happy Hallogivemas!!!!!! It's the time of year when the stores sell Halloween, Thanksgiving and Christmas stuff all on ONE aisle!

   P0rn is so unrealistic, I just took a shower with my girlfriend and stood in the corner freezing for 20 minutes handing her different shampoos

   Before you have any hope for the future of humanity, come and look at how this guy parked.

   So...you got married, cheated on your spouse, got divorced and now can't seem to find a good, honest person?? Sounds like you just got owned by karma.

   Just watched my daughter's boyfriend take 90 seconds to get a straw in a Capris Sun. Safe to say I can put the shotgun away now.

   I'm at that age now that if I am at a bachelor party and a stripper jumped out of a cake I would worry that she will get hair on my peice.

   I'm terribly conflicted when people I hate from work, bring cupcakes.

   Women with large breasts are generally more successful than men with large breasts.

   If I ever get a hamster I'm naming it MC Hamster. I might buy one for that reason alone....

   My nickname at work is "I thought they fired you"

   Whenever I see a suggestion box, I put in, "Get rid of suggestion box."

   Why must I prove I'm me, if I'm callin to pay my bill. Do strangers call to pay my bills? If they do, then let them, you idiots!