Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   giving a warning to America.... Wayne Rooney.

   To the girl who cut us off on the freeway. "James Joyce" told me to tell yoU - See You In Tea!

   An optimist is a person who sees a green light everywhere. The pessimist sees only the red light. But the truly wise person is color blind.

   got a call today from a burial place, wanted to sell me on cremation. They told me I could pay for all services in advance. I asked, “What if I am in a horrible car fire, does my family get a refund? Or, do you burn me up again like refried–John

   Shrek beat Sex and The City at the box office this past weekend. It was quite a showdown between two very unique movies. One is about a hideous creature and all of it's friends, and the other one is Shrek.

   attempting to give a damn: ███████████████████] 99% Complete... ERROR!: Unable to give a damn.

   wonders why passing dog walkers insist on introducing their dogs to each other, when the animals clearly act as if they want to tear out each others' throats.

   figures the only thing worse than finding out that you were given up for adoption would be learning that it was Rick Astley who gave you up.

   would you like that sea bass regular or unleaded?

   sick of the jehovahs witness knocking on my door. So I'm making my cat take karate lessons. If they come around again, Fluffy is gonna kick some serious ass!

   watching the 2010 World Cup (and then I found the remote)

   save the trees, smoke a cigarette.

   smarter then the averige beare!! ...oh dangit, maybe not

   How can big pharma make millions of dollars selling laxatives to the elderly, when Taco Bell can manage to do the trick for $2.99?

   not a stalker, I'm just bad with goodbyes.

   It doesn't value to play ,except you play to the end

   Tourist Resort is a place where no one knows how unimportant you are at home.

   Politician : One who shakes your hand before elections and your Confidence after.

   The saying goes "Always wear cleaned underwear, you never know when your going to be hit by a bus." But isn't it when you get hit by the bus, you SH*T yourself, already ruining your clean knickers?

   As a lover, I'm about as impressive as a magician on the radio