Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   - I don't need Anger Management, I need for people to not piss me off!!!

   - If the camera lens is round, why is the picture rectangular?

   - Justin AmatterofsecondswasknownworldwidetobeacompletedoucheBieber.

   A woman is a highly developed, deeply intelligent, infinitely complicated being. And it needs to be carefully tricked into doing things.

   Also, when asked by police if you have any weapons or drugs, never say "Why? What do you need?"

   America is getting up there in age, but i'd still do her. God Bless America!

   Happy 234th Birthday,America! :)

   If She Sounds Cute On The Phone, Add 20 lbs !!!

   would like to encourage you all to celebrate this 4th of July in a truly patriotic manner: Give a liberal something they utterly deserve and desperately need: A fist across their face. Happy 4th, everyone! Stay safe!

   You`ve got to admire Emile Heskey , he has a disasterous world cup , he comes home , puts on a dress and wins the womens title at wimbledon......

   The voices in my head may not be real, but they have some good ideas!

   loves to be the first person to use a new bar of soap

   remembering how when he was young and only kiss on the lips was a big deal, now a days it's like let's cut the bullsh*t let's have sexy time."

   All those who believe in telekinesis, raise my hand.

   What do the Argentina World Cup soccer team and BP have in common? A Messi!

   enjoying the fourth of july, the most american holiday of them all. And what do we do as americans? we drink beer owned by Belgians. (Bud) beer by south Africans, (miller) we eat polish sausages, and shoot fireworks from the Chinese.

   The greatest lesson we can learn from the past. . . is that freedom is at the core of every successful nation in the world... Liberty is the right to choose. Freedom is the result of the right choice!

   You're not Pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.

   Life is like a taxi. The meter just keeps a-ticking whether you are getting somewhere or just standing still.

   I was talking to my friends Tom and Dave and they said " hey, do you know Doug has two a$$holes"? I said "What???" They said "It's true. Today we were walking with Doug and we heard somebody say 'Look, there's Doug.With those two a$$holes'"