Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Ex: I still love you. Me: “I’m gonna call you back, my damn fish is drowning”

   If you've broken the eggs, you should make the omelette

   "Wow, that Hungry Man TV dinner sure lives up to its name. I couldn't eat another bite." ...said no hungry man ever.

   People tell me to Get a Grip, then they get all pissed off when I put my hands around their neck.

   Thanks to Facebook birthday reminders I know who to unfriend after thinking who the heck is this person?

   If life gives you melons .. men will do pretty much anything you want them to.

   I'm sorry to say, but all the Canadians in the game 2 basketball finals out-patriot us big time. I'm hanging my head in shame.

   I went to visit a psychic. I knocked on the door and she yelled "who is it?" So I left.

   Went on a date a year ago with an atheist vegan libertarian anti-vaxxer conspiracy theorist who vapes and does CrossFit. I snuck out the bathroom window 45 minutes in, but legend has it that she's still telling me about herself....

   The biggest problem with eating healthy is that I don’t wanna do that.

   Anyone know where I can find a Facebookers Anonymous meeting? Asking for a friend.

   Of course I'm am an organ donor. Who wouldn't want a piece of this!?

   When you sit on the toilet you connect your butt hole to a city wide network of other connected butt holes

   I asked "Alexa, what do women want" This thing havent shut up for three days now

   My therapist says I am too preoccupied by vengeance. Yeah, well we'll see about that.

   The true definition of patriotism: check out the canadians singing their nation anthem when the NBA finals is played in Canada.

   Alcohol is the lube I use to slide through life.

   I'm no good at push ups, or pull ups or sit ups...I'm pretty good at f**k ups though.

   I finally finished reading “Great Expectations “ . It wasn’t all I hoped for.

   lot of traffic and your Alexa ranking isn’t as strong as it could be.