Funny Status Messages and Tweets

Funny Facebook Status Messages or Whatsapp updates and funny tweets for Twitter.

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   messageicon One day, a little boy wrote to Santa Clause, "Please send me a sister." Santa Clause wrote him back, "OK, send me your mother.
←Rate | 12-22-2017 09:12 by Erich Comments (0)  

   messageicon I started carrying around a gun after an attempted mugging a few years ago. Since then, my mugging attempts have been much more successful.
←Rate | 12-22-2017 09:12 Comments (0)  

   messageicon So when do we start "winning" so much that we "get sick of winning"?
←Rate | 12-22-2017 13:21 Comments (1)  

   messageicon The name "conservative". What are we actually conserving? Food?
←Rate | 12-22-2017 14:00 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I kinda skeptical that it's really The Last Jedi.
←Rate | 12-22-2017 16:54 Comments (0)  

   messageicon You can lead a horse to water but you can't make him freeze it in a large block and then carve a swan out of it.
←Rate | 12-22-2017 16:55 Comments (0)  

   messageicon it safe to take off my Winter Solstice Glasses yet?
←Rate | 12-22-2017 17:06 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I wish someone had a beef with me, maybe with BBQ sauce
←Rate | 12-22-2017 17:10 Comments (0)  

   messageicon When I was a kid the only flavor chapstick we had was medicine.
←Rate | 12-22-2017 17:12 Comments (0)  

   messageicon 2017 was not a total loss as I successfuly avoided listening to Despacito
←Rate | 12-22-2017 17:15 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Cats always have that look on their face like you just asked if they would help you move next weekend
←Rate | 12-22-2017 17:18 Comments (0)  

   messageicon It's disturbing to think that somewhere, someone might be listening to a Sane Clown Posse
←Rate | 12-22-2017 17:22 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Spice up the holidays with random quotation marks: "Merry" Christmas to your family / Merry Christmas to "your" family / Merry Christmas to your "family"
←Rate | 12-22-2017 17:24 Comments (0)  

   messageicon If aliens landed today they would think that our phones are mind control devices that -- hey I just got another text
←Rate | 12-22-2017 17:26 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Apparently, my neighbor's nativity scene proves that he believes there was a Minion in Bethlehem
←Rate | 12-22-2017 17:29 Comments (0)  

   messageicon By this point in December anytime I type 'amazing' into my phone it changes to Amazon so time to cut back online shopping and your sweater looks Amazon.
←Rate | 12-22-2017 17:43 Comments (0)  

   messageicon How does the Little Mermaid decide which sea creatures are her friends and which ones are her bra?
←Rate | 12-22-2017 17:47 Comments (0)  

   messageicon If we didn't have phones and had to go back to writing notes to each other on paper the hardest part would be drawing all the emojis
←Rate | 12-22-2017 17:51 by markf Comments (0)  

   messageicon The fastest way to end a perfect family moment is to try to take a picture of it
←Rate | 12-22-2017 17:55 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I am waiting for the Fitbit upgrade that lets me buy 5000 extra steps
←Rate | 12-22-2017 17:57 by markf Comments (0)  

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