Funny Status Messages and Tweets

Funny status message updates for FaceBook or Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.

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   messageicon No way the Reese's Cups make it till Tuesday...
←Rate | 10-29-2017 21:32 by Spence Comments (0)  


   messageicon Love is...never having to say “wrong hole”
←Rate | 10-30-2017 02:48 by Kisstopher707 Comments (0)  


   messageicon HER: Will you miss me? ME: Only if you run in a zig-zag pattern
←Rate | 10-30-2017 02:50 by psycho Comments (0)  


   messageicon setting a liar's pants on fire considered arson? Asking for a friend.
←Rate | 10-30-2017 07:48 Comments (0)  


   messageicon I always try to keep a good Facebook profile picture of myself. This will be the photo plastered all over the news when something goes horribly wrong.
←Rate | 10-30-2017 07:49 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Hugs that turn into sex? Where do I get those? Mine always turn to "Let me go or I'm calling the police."
←Rate | 10-30-2017 08:00 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Does anyone know a good Russian accountant? I need their help on tax evasion.
←Rate | 10-30-2017 09:12 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Who are the fallen soldiers more mad at (1) Football players who take a knee or (2) A sellout who hands over the presidency of America to Russian control?
←Rate | 10-30-2017 11:59 Comments (1)  


   messageicon I can't concentrate on my work until Google fixes the cheeseburger emoji.
←Rate | 10-30-2017 12:18 Comments (0)  


   messageicon I might as well prepare myself to say "comrade" a lot and drink plenty of vodka.
←Rate | 10-30-2017 12:29 Comments (1)  


   messageicon White Lives Matter rallies in two small Tennessee cities on Saturday to protest refugee resettlement in the state. What the hell does that have to do with White Lives Mattering?
←Rate | 10-30-2017 12:50 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Players of the Houston Texans football team took a knee during the national anthem Sunday. That...is...awesome!
←Rate | 10-30-2017 13:42 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Maybe you misunderstood me. I love you in a "tennis score" sort of way.
←Rate | 10-30-2017 14:42 Comments (0)  


   messageicon How do they explain this to the authorities? Me, at the end of every horror movie
←Rate | 10-30-2017 14:43 Comments (0)  


   messageicon When I was a kid I made my dad a clay ashtray. Millennials probably think I should be locked up.
←Rate | 10-30-2017 14:48 Comments (0)  


   messageicon The irony is overwhelming. The "LOCK HER UP" guy is getting his ass locked up. Hahaha!
←Rate | 10-30-2017 14:51 Comments (0)  


   messageicon I'm on my third round of candy that we are not eating before Halloween.
←Rate | 10-30-2017 14:55 Comments (0)  


   messageicon When your leg twitches while you sleep that is your skeleton trying to escape because you are vulnerable
←Rate | 10-30-2017 14:57 Comments (0)  


   messageicon I thought it was PMS, but apparently wild mood swings and mango cravings are just part of who she is
←Rate | 10-30-2017 15:00 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Not sure how many trick-or-treaters we will get, so better buy 400x more than I expect.
←Rate | 10-30-2017 15:04 Comments (0)  


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