Funny Status Messages and Tweets

Funny status message updates for FaceBook or Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.

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   messageicon If kids are so wonderful why do you have to pay people to watch them?
←Rate | 10-28-2017 18:55 by unknowncomic Comments (0)  


   messageicon "Anybody can throw a slant" except maybe University of Florida
←Rate | 10-28-2017 22:22 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Give a man a fish and he'll eat for a day. Teach a man to fish and he'll sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
←Rate | 10-29-2017 01:37 by JAKE Comments (0)  


   messageicon Began training today for my new career in mixed martial arts and crafts. B
←Rate | 10-29-2017 05:18 Comments (0)  


   messageicon I am in a bloodsucking relationship with survival.
←Rate | 10-29-2017 07:58 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Whenever someone asks me to sign their cast, I always like to write "Last warning. You have a week to get the rest of the money together. Next time we won't be so nice."
←Rate | 10-29-2017 11:51 Comments (0)  


   messageicon I got bone spurs, that jingle jangle jingles.....
←Rate | 10-29-2017 13:47 Comments (0)  


   messageicon If Trump is actually guilty in the Russia scandals then I will seriously commit suicide.
←Rate | 10-29-2017 15:04 by MAGAconservative Comments (3)  


   messageicon Life doesn’t hand me lemons, it fires them at me rapidly from a lemon cannon.
←Rate | 10-29-2017 18:32 by flinnie Comments (0)  


   messageicon No way the Reese's Cups make it till Tuesday...
←Rate | 10-29-2017 21:32 by Spence Comments (0)  


   messageicon Love is...never having to say “wrong hole”
←Rate | 10-30-2017 02:48 by Kisstopher707 Comments (0)  


   messageicon HER: Will you miss me? ME: Only if you run in a zig-zag pattern
←Rate | 10-30-2017 02:50 by psycho Comments (0)  


   messageicon setting a liar's pants on fire considered arson? Asking for a friend.
←Rate | 10-30-2017 07:48 Comments (0)  


   messageicon I always try to keep a good Facebook profile picture of myself. This will be the photo plastered all over the news when something goes horribly wrong.
←Rate | 10-30-2017 07:49 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Hugs that turn into sex? Where do I get those? Mine always turn to "Let me go or I'm calling the police."
←Rate | 10-30-2017 08:00 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Does anyone know a good Russian accountant? I need their help on tax evasion.
←Rate | 10-30-2017 09:12 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Who are the fallen soldiers more mad at (1) Football players who take a knee or (2) A sellout who hands over the presidency of America to Russian control?
←Rate | 10-30-2017 11:59 Comments (2)  


   messageicon I can't concentrate on my work until Google fixes the cheeseburger emoji.
←Rate | 10-30-2017 12:18 Comments (0)  


   messageicon I might as well prepare myself to say "comrade" a lot and drink plenty of vodka.
←Rate | 10-30-2017 12:29 Comments (2)  


   messageicon White Lives Matter rallies in two small Tennessee cities on Saturday to protest refugee resettlement in the state. What the hell does that have to do with White Lives Mattering?
←Rate | 10-30-2017 12:50 Comments (0)  



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