Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   On the Electrician's Truck... "Let Us Remove Your Shorts"

   Have you ever wondered if the one dollar bills in your wallet were ever in a stripper's butt crack? If not, you're wondering now. Have a nice day ..

   Washing my face, eyes are closed and the cat rubs against my legs. First thought: "SHARK!!!" Second thought: "No more Discovery Channel before bed!"

   business must be getting better. I noticed on my last check the government gave itself a raise.

   A good way to save face is to keep the lower half shut.

   They found the gene that causes shyness. They would have found it sooner, but it was hiding behind some other genes.

   I'm not opposed to gay marriage.... I saw two women kissing in public the other day and I thought “man, that takes balls!”

   ok...who watches Jeremy Kyle to make themselves feel better about thier own screwed up life?

   I do like Sally Jessy Raphael but she REALLY does look like a Jim Henson puppet!

   my company is upgrading from Outlook 2003 to Outlook 2007, in 2010, which I fear will rip a hole in the space-time continuum.

   if you can keep your head when all around you are losing thiers...you probably haven't realised what's going on...

   we KNOW you like your status....why would you of written it if you didn't?

   To all my Facebook Friends.....If you are over 20 years old and know the name to a Justin Bieber OR a Lady Gaga song, PLEASE Delete me as a friend....I don't think I wanna be friends with you!!!

   *spins around on chair* Hi! I've been expecting you!

   a true smarta$$ and can be quite b*tchy at times too - but it's my natural defense against stupidity!

   If I sat down for 10 seconds with a pad and pen, I could totally write a song for Yo Gabba Gabba!

   I keep losing at solitary Hangman - must be the sadist in me

   Scientist have discovered an area on Mars that might have once contained life. Alien scientist have made the same discovery about the Gulf of Mexico.

   checking the obituaries for any cool job openings

   Yankee's A-Rod just tapped his 600th. 14000 shy of Wilt Chamberlin.