Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   90% of men like to masturbate. The other 10% don't have arms.

   Would delete you, if I didnt have to keep the numbers up on my friends list, to impress my other friends.

   Can now be offensive in 3 different languages.

   Thinks you should donate your opinions to goodwill. They are used to selling crap there anyways.

   Wishes I came from a country where blacking out while listening to you, was an honor.

   thinks you are so dull that even watching you choke on a knife would be boring.

   thinks that you should embrace your problems. And then make them somebody elses.

   wishes I was 12 again. so I could commit crimes without the oppression of the Law.

   Men can do their Christmas shopping for 25 relatives on Christmas Eve in 25 minutes.

   would love to own a maternity store. He would call it "Come Inside"

   Tim Tebow just signed a 36 million dollar life long contract with kleenex!

   likes to discuss his newest disgusting rash in crowded elevators

   When life gives you melons... you know you're dyslexic.

   How many Susan Boyle's does it take to change a lightbulb? AGHHH, Turn it off, turn it off!!

   got an error on his Windows PC: "Keyboard not found! Press any key to continue"

   putting the lotion on its skin, before it gets the hose again.

   chose the wrong week to quit sniffing glue.

   Surely you cant be serious! ---- Oh but I am....And dont call me Shirley

   singing and dancing around her room in her undies.

   Yes, I am serious. And don't call me Shirley.