Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   - LMAOSHBCSOOMN: Laughing my ass off so hard beer came shooting out of my nose

   Every time I clean up I feel as if I am depriving archaeologists of clues to my daily life.

   A penny saved is a penny you didn't put in the "Take a penny, leave a penny" jar, you cheap ba$tard!

   has anyone ever checked out their reflection in the side of their car and thought "damn I would make one sexy ass midget!"

   If it wasn't for rap I probably wouldn't know the area codes of most major metropolitan cities.

   You know I like my status updates like I like my mini skirts. Long enough to cover the important parts but short enough to keep things interesting."

   Sleep is like sex... I don't get either one as much as I want.

   NFL preseason games are like Cinemax porn. If you haven't seen the real thing in seven months, it gets the job done.

   You post constant status updates about what TV show you're watching and what you're eating for dinner. You're not allowed to whine when people get excited for football once a week.

   A bad Walmart greeting just ruins the whole experience.

   wouldn't mind seeing the cast of "Jersey Shore" stuck in a coal mine for a couple of months. No TV cameras allowed.

   thinks MTV should change its name to Empty V.

   I'm thinking of leaving my body to science. Even scientists need a good laugh now and then.

   embarrassed himself at a funeral today - the shop didn't have any condolence cards left so he just bought a "Hope You'll Be Happy In Your New Home!" one instead.

   A guy shows up late for work. The boss yells, "You should've been here at 8:30!" The guy replies, "Why? What happened at 8:30?"

   A husband asks: Why do you weep and snuffle over a TV program and the imaginary sadness of people you have never met? Wife: For the same reason you scream and yell when a man you don't know makes a touchdown.

   Stand up for what is right, even if you're standing alone.

   Why do people say "nice to meet you" before I've even said anything? How do you know it's nice to meet me? I'm an a$$hole. It probably isn't.

   Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me either. Just pretty much leave me the hell alone.

   going to order a load of bubble wrap just to see what it's delivered in.