Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   will never gonna figure out why they call it Miss Universe when our planet is the only one competing.

   Has been lonely lately so I just made an appointment for my annual physical and prostate exam

   I am pretty bummed. I found out this morning the hard way that I am in fact, NOT a Jedi. That certificate from Lucusworks now has to come off of my wall. This is a sad day indeed.

   thinks that 99% of people in this world are stupid. Luckily I'm in the other 2%

   Dear Santa, what I want for Christmas is... your list with names of bad girls ;)

   I hate all these derelicts that come into my office asking for directions to Social Security they are going there to make sure they get money from the government, do you think it is wrong that I gave them the directions to the Department of Labor Job Enf

   Women are angels. And when someone breaks our wings, we simply continue to fly...on a broomstick. We are flexible like that.

   I support the right of the Jedi to build a temple, but does it have to be two blocks from the ruins of the Death Star?

   In the past seven days, 1 friend of mine gave birth, 1 buried his father, 1 buried her brother, 1 died, 1 got divorced, 2 got married, 1 quit his job, 1 got fired and 6 celebrated birthdays. I don't know about the rest of you, but I'm f*cking exhausted.

   says, if Renea would just watch porn with me, she would understand why I made her buy roller skates and why we have 20 gallons of chocolate pudding in the fridge

   I eat because I'm depressed. I'm depressed because I eat.

   lets play...." I hope thats chocolate"..

   facebook suggested me and my ex should be friends. Thats like saying to Facebook 'I think you should be friends with Myspace'.

   talk sh*t again, and its going right back in your mouth.

   aside from your face, what is your problem? :D

   What doesn't kill you makes you slower. -Ancient Zombie Wisdom

   Insomnia: its when you spend your whole night thinking about the next day, days passed, and days to come, and when your out of bed the next day, all you can think about is the bed, the pillow and how to sleep!!

   A male gynecologist is like an auto mechanic who never owned a car!

   do eggplants have salmenella??

   wondering what people used to do or how they lived their lives without the internet....so I asked Google