Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Updating your status at the gym burns a lot of calories.

   Only when the last tree has died, the last river been poisoned and the last fish been caught will we realize we cannot eat money..!!

   I had an appointment at the sperm bank today, but I had to call up to say I couldn't come.

   Never steal. The government hates competition.

   I wish my book of life was written in pencil There are a few pages I would like to erase.

   The hardest part about business is minding your own.

   SURGEON GENERAL'S WARNING: Smoking during pregnancy can cause your baby to look like Herve Villacheze.

   Paris Hilton thanks fans for their support following cocaine arrest. In other breaking news: Paris Hilton has fans?!

   Trying to figure out how I got this headache...nevermind I just found a receipt telling me.

   reminds you that silence is golden, but duct tape is silver

   There is nothing more convenient than putting on a pair of pants that already has the belt on.

   A smile is like tight underwear... it makes your cheeks go up.

   I have found that the best stress reliever in life is not giving a crap.

   "I Hate or Can't Stand Drama" is translation for "I'm gonna be the first one to cause all the Drama Tonight, just thought I would give you the heads up!"

   I'm sorry,Mr. Wasp,but I had to kill you. You're too stupid to see my kitchen window and kept smacking into it. And too stupid to see me trying to help you. Stupidity isn't acceptable in my household. You had to go.

   "Avatar"... returns to theaters this week, with 9 mins added to the movie. These additional minutes r very important. They explain how the blue ppl got that way by cross-breeding with Smurfs...

   Whenever people are speaking a different language in front of me, I automatically assume they're talking about me and give them a dirty look just to let them know I'm on to them.

   You show me a giant stuffed hippopotamus at a Wal-Mart and I'd NEVER even consider buying it. But at the local county fair... I'll spend every last penny I have to be the bad ass walking to my car with it.

   My ceiling fan has two settings... "On" and "S#it, that's dusty."

   I'm thankful that baby teeth are the only things that kids lose while growing up. Imagine the trauma of a nose falling off. Or a leg. "Why's your daughter hopping around like that?" "Oh, she just lost her baby leg last night."