Funny Status Messages and Tweets

Funny status message updates for FaceBook or Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.

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   messageicon My wife just asked me "would you say I'm a selfish person?" My answer - "well, not to your face..."
←Rate | 01-02-2010 22:12 by Fel Comments (0)  

   messageicon Friends come and Friends go... Enemies accumulate
←Rate | 01-02-2010 17:46 Comments (0)  

   messageicon wants you to know that if a jelly fish ever stung you, i'd pee on you!
←Rate | 01-02-2010 17:41 by pressed enter too early!! Comments (0)  

   messageicon Some people are only alive because it is illegal to shoot them.
←Rate | 01-02-2010 17:38 by oO Comments (0)  

   messageicon Got a new car for my spouse it was a great trade!
←Rate | 01-02-2010 17:37 by oO Comments (0)  

   messageicon If you lend someone $20, and never see that person again; it was probably worth it.
←Rate | 01-02-2010 17:36 by 14:36 Comments (0)  

   messageicon curiosity didn't kill the cat ....... my car did!
←Rate | 01-02-2010 16:22 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Don't you worry your pretty stripped head we're gonna get you back to Tyson and your cozy tiger bed. And they we're gonna find our bestfriend Doug and then we're gonna give him a bestfriend hug.
←Rate | 01-02-2010 16:08 Comments (0)  

   messageicon According to the EPA, lead particles in the air in Los Angeles cause 6,000 deaths a year. We call them "bullets."
←Rate | 01-02-2010 15:08 by tomcall Comments (0)  

   messageicon found the woman of his dreams, and as soon as the restraining order is lifted....he'll have her panties to prove it.
←Rate | 01-02-2010 14:42 Comments (0)  

   messageicon heading out to tease the birds in the park and feed breadcrumbs at his/her self
←Rate | 01-02-2010 14:18 Comments (0)  

   messageicon wants a "people you may find attractive and would hook up with" section on facebook. it'd make things so much easier.
←Rate | 01-02-2010 13:56 Comments (0)  

   messageicon now has the plans for his deck and about to go get the lumber! Does anyone know where I can pick up some illegal aliens to come build it?
←Rate | 01-02-2010 13:22 by Tal Comments (0)  

   messageicon says, I love work. I can sit and watch it all day.
←Rate | 01-02-2010 13:03 by mullerman Comments (0)  

   messageicon ...thinks the "vamps" in Twilight and New Moon look like a cross between The Cure & NSYNC..ooohh..such shiny white fangs too!
←Rate | 01-02-2010 12:52 by lemonpillow Comments (0)  

   messageicon when everything's coming your way, you're probably in the wrong lane.
←Rate | 01-02-2010 12:24 by bbell Comments (0)  

   messageicon ..if people say they're "as honest as the day is long" does that mean they become less truthful in the winter?
←Rate | 01-02-2010 12:18 by lemonpillow Comments (0)  

   messageicon can no longer play Scrabble. Turns out he has Irritable Vowel Syndrome...
←Rate | 01-02-2010 11:47 by Jay Comments (0)  

   messageicon found an alien, gave it some roofies, now I'm gonna probe it then stick back where I found it! Maybe it'll tell stories of being abducted!
←Rate | 01-02-2010 10:02 by Talsier Comments (0)  

   messageicon told by someone that swimming will get you in shape ......IF THAT IS THE CASE SOMEBODY EXPLAIN TO ME WHY WHALES ARE SO effin FAT !?!?
←Rate | 01-02-2010 04:44 by bigboyindiego Comments (0)  

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