Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Nothing makes me feel miserable and helpless like someone sending me prayers instead of real assistance.

   If 9/11 taught us anything, it's that Superman's a lazy ass.

   Some might argue that having spider webs in your kitchen sink is a sign you need to cook more... I, however, see it as a sign that life is pretty damn good! (Let's go with that)

   Welcome to Sign Language 101,, Can anyone tell me what this red sign is?.. Anyone?.. Anyone??,, It's a stop sign... How about this yellow one?... No?... Hello?,, What, are you guys deaf?

   Burger King has accepted the Tax Duck-it Challenge. They have no challenged Yum Brands, Panera Bread, and White Castle. You have 24 hours or you will have to donate $8 billion to Obama's Economic Patriotism initiative.

   Two crows got married and a beautiful family. It was the perfect murder.

   Don't sweat the petty stuff and don't pet the sweaty stuff.

   A three-legged dog walks into a saloon and says "I'm lookin' for the man who shot my paw!"

   what is the best way to get rid of my annoying neighbor Fred's body if I kill him? .. asking for a friend.

   Doctors only gave me three more months to live la vida loca

   I love gas stations that sell fireworks, that's like prostitutes that sell rope and shovels

   WrestleMania III in the Detroit suburb of Pontiac, Michigan was the highest-attended indoor sports event in the world, with 93,173 fans in attendance.

   Obama want you to talk about Obamacare over the Thanksgiving table to get more to register......that program is still hanging on by a wing and a prair!

   Whenever I'm boarding a plane, I have to constantly fight the urge to yell out "It's OK, I'm a limo driver!" and then sprint down the tunnell.

   I can't believe they let people own guns. Public toilets are all the proof we need that humans have horrible aim

   Snow in the south is rare alright... But not as rare as a BCS Championship in the north.

   lesbians use BIG strap-ons ;-)

   Women. Always want to be choked at the wrong time.

   So when Mark Zuckerberg invented Facebook did he say "Let there be likes"?

   How do people know Dinosaurs roared if nobody ever heard them do it?! ...Maybe, They Meowed