Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   My daughter says she can't wait to drink coffee and stay up past 9:00 so don't ever forget we are living the dream here, guys

   I've got an idea for a house flipping show but it's just me watching my kids demolish every room

   If you want me to remember your baby's name then you will have to call him Buddy.

   From Jabba's point of view, Star Wars is about a guy who owed him a lot of money, but instead of paying he brought in a gang to murder him

   People usually ask me why I don't have any tattoos, I asked them " would you put a bumper sticker on your Ferrari ?

   As a parent you always worry that you want to raise your children to be productive members of society......and then you go to Walmart.

   Does eating Tide Pods take skid marks out of underwear? Asking for a friend...

   There are more than 7 billion people on the planet. Can we finally stop calling it the miracle of birth?

   Unless he releases a men’s fragrance, I think Elon Musk should be ordered to legally change his name.

   All houses made out of wood are tree houses.

   A gambling addiction can cost you your marriage or win you a divorce

   You people can keep blaming your weight or tight fitting clothes on the holidays if you want, but I am not going to lie to myself, most of you were Fat in December too

   When a Woman tells you "you're so cute" instead of "You're Hot," it means you are Not all that and you can just get entry to Friend zone

   If a woman is crying and you don't understand why - congratulations! you're a Man now

   My ex told me to get some of those tablets that should help me get an erection.........should have seen her face when I tossed her the slimming pills

   Milestone Alert: This is my 100th Post From a toilet....I'd like to thank the fine people from KFC for making this post possible!

   does eating tide pods take skid marks out of underwear...Asking for a friend

   I'm drinking a Diet Coke because I ate a whole box of Pop Tarts for breakfast. I'm hoping this will neutralize it.

   Gov't shutdown? Yippee! I'm collecting rainwater for my garden before they reopen and fine me!!

   If someone gave me a million dollars to lose weight for one of those weight loss programs I would too