Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   ______________is so gay, he is trying to drill a glory hole in his facebook wall.

   you know my name not my story.

   If I have to buy you a present when you get married, then you have to buy me a present when you get divorced. It's only fair.

   I don't know why people say something is better if you work for it. Personally, I love being handed awesome sh*t through no effort of my own.

   Dont kill yourself to LIVE!!!

   I rarely get distracted, but the other . . . .brb.

   Add My BB Pin » Y3hR1ght

   Every 7-eleven needs a task force NOT named Punjab, Aadarsh, Aachman, Aadesh ,Aadi ,Aadidev ,Aafreen ,Aaka ,Aandaleeb to keep the slurpee machine running because this sh*t is UNACCEPTABLE.

   Blind hookers...ya gotta hand it to em!

   I don't know why people say something is better if you work for it. Personally, I love being handed awesome sh*t through no effort of my own.

   I really wish sleep came in roll-over minutes.

   having one of those days where I wanna set someones face on fire and try putting it out wit a fork

   I wish I had a room in my house that had zero gravity.

   I ordered the food, seatbelted the dog in the drivers seat and pushed the car up to the drive-thru window.

   I definitely thought we'd have some futuristic Jetsons sh*t by now.

   Every time you fart as you're walking through first class getting on a plane, Jesus high-fives your grandmother.

   I'd rather have my arms fall off than make two trips carrying in groceries.

   Profanity is most useful when you need to hide your inability to recall the right word in a heated moment.

   apparently is not working fast enough today...the boss just walked by and said the last job I did was half-fast...

   One of the great mysteries to me is the fact that us women can pour hot wax on our legs, rip the hair out by the roots, and still be afraid of a spider.