Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Some people should come with subtitles.

   Parents say alcohol is your enemy, God says love your enemy.......

   You failed me when I needed you the most... stupid cell phone!!

   I wish my homework was asexual, so it would do itself.

   When I was little I used to fall asleep on the sofa and wake up in bed, now I pass out on the sofa and wake up on the floor.

   likes his women like he likes his whiskey...15 years old and mixed with coke

   Never apologised for what you feel it's like saying sorrry 4 being real!

   Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity.

   I'm gonna check out The Social Network, except I'm not gonna actually watch the movie. I'm gonna just check out everybody while they are watching the movie.

   I'm playing that game where the floor is made of lava, so I obviously can't get off the couch or I'll die.

   How are babies not self-consciousness of their thighs?

   Sometimes life just needs a good, hard CTRL ALT DELETE.

   Of all the unsolved mysteries, I wonder why we must stop talking to be able to start peeing.

   Take a lesson from the weather. Learn to be talked about without responding.

   I recognize three out of the fifty ingredients listed here. This is food, right? I'll eat it, but I'll never understand it.

   The postage is outrageous on these mail order brides!

   "Latte" is Latin for: You paid too much for that coffee.

   I wonder how long I can keep telling my kids I'm gunna call Santa..

   waiting for the boring weekly "hating mondays" statuses...btw, I'm gathering mondays to throw at you!

   Sign language: it's very handy.