Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   The way I just scratched my back on the corner of this wall, leads me to believe I would have been an above average stripper.

   Today, this weird girl started texting me. I really didn't want to talk to her, so I texted back, "This message could not be delivered because of a temporery network setup error. Error 2128-226110." She replied, "You spelt temporary wrong."

   My wife was so sick this morning that I had to carry her to the kitchen to make my breakfast.

   Time for my weekly game of let's-see-how-long-I-can-drive-with-my-gas-light-on.

   Dear Santa, Don't bother coming to my house this year. I've been naughty and it was f*cking worth it, you judgemental son of a b*tch!

   I have a friend whose status says: "Suicidal - Standing on the edge of a cliff". So I poked him...

   I used to live in a pineapple under the sea. But I lost it in a forclosure. Now some yellow guy lives there.

   My credit card company called. They want me to leave home without it.

   Good News! Gas is supposed to drop under $3/gal! Now we can afford to drive by the job we used to have, the home we used to own & the bank we used to have money in....

   I will respect any religion you practice as long as you never knock on my door to tell me about it.

   The biggest lie ever: I have read and agree to the terms of use.

   I copied my Match.com bio from a used car website. White - Good condition - Reliable - Cheap - No evidence of rear end damage. Must See.

   I sound so good singing after a couple drinks, that my neighbors even called the cops to come and hear me too!

   I pulled my wife's panties to the side.......then put the rest of her socks in the drawer.

   Nothing says "My balls are kept in a jar inside her purse" quite like a joint Facebook account.

   "We are upping our standards... so up yours!"

   my son informed me this morning that they no longer call it "Old School". It's now known as "Lame". If he wasn't my kid, I'd have thrown my Walkman at him....

   when your life flashes before your eyes, make sure you've got plenty to watch.

   oly crap! I just realized that I'm still "it" from a game of tag in 1987.

   If I park 20 spots from the store, in an empty parking lot and you park right next to me, I'm slamming my door into your car 34 times.