Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   A Wednesday without rain is a Dry Hump Day.

   Please take your Apple Watch off if you are wearing a dress or formal attire. You look like a spy kid

   Bathroom hand dryers are amazing if you want to kill a few minutes before wiping your hands on your pants.

   There are now online dating sites for seniors... I bet that "forgot password?" button is gonna get used a lot.

   Never under estimate the predictability of stupidity.

   Today's challenge! Walk with the parade and wave, and make people wonder who you are.

   when did the world give up on Common Courtesy

   Dear Bad Luck ….. Let's break up.

   Women: the only problem I don't mind "wrestling" with.

   What is this "growing up" thing and how do I avoid it?

   I don't hate people, I just feel better when they're not around.

   I wrote you a song, man was it tough finding something to rhyme with "Bar Skank"

   you can tell more about a person's true character after they gain some random wealth

   According to every arcade in the world, 'AAA' and 'ASS' are the most common initials

   This gallon of ice cream is a new flavor called, "Get Your Own."

   Where there's a will, I want to be in it.

   My bank lets me send a text message and it'll text back with my balance. It's a cool feature but I didn't think the LOL was necessary.

   : Say this fast-  { I, 1, 2, 1/2, 6} *Like* if you get it

   A woman is quick to reject a man that lives with his mother, but will accept a man that lives with his wife.

   Long busy day, I need one of those hugs that turns into sex.