Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   a supporter of the Rent Is Too Damn High Party"!

   NOTE TO SELF: Buy most Post-Its. You're all out.

   I've got bieber fever!!!! Whenever I hear his name or music I get a fever, headache, nausea

   Accidentally clicking the "Like" button while you're Facebook stalking is like accidentally setting off a flare while practicing guerrilla warfare.

   "Find your ideal partner on Facebook"No thanks, I can safely say that one quality I am not looking for in a partner is the ability to maintain a virtual farm.

   I once dated a girl who's right leg was slightly longer than her left....I really do miss Eileen.

   there's nothing like leaving king kong's finger in the local service station's toilet ......

   if you stand on your toilet your automatically high on pot!!!!

   ...Sorry, Christine O'Donnell, you are NOT smarter than a 5th grader. Thank you for playing, please accept these lovely parting gifts, and GTFO.

   Guess we know who 90,000 Boeing employees won't be voting for in 2012....

   Snuck a bunch of booze into work today using my stomach.

   Just remember people...the sober one ALWAYS remembers everything :)

   thinking that if you have to advertise that you are a princess across your ass, odds are you are probably not

   Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever.

   lets turn the NFL into touch football

   Words to live by: If your outflow is greater than your income, then your up-keeps guna be your downfall

   You know that garbage can right next to Oscar the Grouch's garbage can? That's where he takes the ladies.

   It's good to meet girl in park, but better to park meat in girl

   Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them??

   I just saved a lot of money by not paying my car insurance bill.