Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   thinking i'm going to hand out pretzels and bruised apples for Halloween this year

   Why does my phone insist on reminding me my battery is dying, wasting even more of my battery!

   love can conquer anything, no matter how bad it gets it can always be forgiven by agreeing to put it behind you and getting on with being happy together.

   Give a person an inch, they take a round trip flight across the country AND bill you for it.

   Count to ten before the lightning strikes, if days are dark find something that's bright. Different colors paint a picture of our lives, just close your eyes!

   The Touch, the Feel of Lindsay Lohan; the crackhead of our lives

   My boss questioned my enthusiasm today. I can't believe he woke me up just to tell me that.

   HOW DOES A PERSON WITH EPILEPSY INTERPRET "CARPE DIEM"?

   ...little boy writes to Santa: please send me a sister. Santa writes to little boy: ok, send me your mother.

   Only 9,000 more lies until Election Day.

   I don't get mad, don't throw temper tantrums and I don't hold grudges..I am a very mature girl....but YOU are not allowed in my treehouse anymore!!!

   A handful of Nigerian scam artists are wrecking it for all the honest Nigerians who want to wire money to us.

   The next time someone annoys you so much you just wanna slap them… Do it and say, “Mosquito” and quickly walk away.

   ...the monkey's out of the bottle, man.

   It's called FACEBOOK, not OPENBOOK. You can keep somethings to yourself.....

   Expect the best, Prepare for the worst.

   I don't need a friend who changes when I change and who nods when I nod; my shadow does that much better.

   ALL UR LIES you SAID, ' I love U' WAS MY FAVOURITE

   the guy who put the hole in the ozone layer.

   at the Library waiting for the opportune moment to fire my air horn