Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I don't know why you are complaining about your appearance, your personality is even worse.

   I could be wrong but I think Kanye West is on the verge of having a Britney 2007 meltdown.

   I have alot of good personality traits,,,,, I just don't happen to have them on me at the moment.

   This is your captain speaking,,, Please fasten your seat belts,,, The Boeing 737 in the gate beside us looks like it wants to race.

   I find it ironic that the colors red, white, and blue stand for freedom until they are flashing behind you.

   I’ll never forget my granddad’s last words. “Are you holding that ladder properly?”

   Alex, I'll take 'same sh*t, different day' for $800.00, please.

   Tips on How to fall down the stairs.....Step 1, then Step 2... Step 5 Step 9 Step 12 Finally the Floor

   I am not narcissistic. I just wonder how all of this pertains to me....

   My ex called to say that she hates me and wished I was dead, also to ask if I needed anything from the liquor store.

   The most shocking thing about Dustin Diamond (aka Screech) violating his parole by testing positive for oxycodone is that he can afford oxycodone.

   come from a long line of people who ruin things.

   I sensed she was starting to pull away when she changed the locks to the house.

   Administrative Professionals Day is the best way to find out who doesn't know they're an administrative professional.

   Complicate your life by telling people how you really feel.

   Its pretty cool how when you ask yoursefl, "What's the worst that can happen?" Life stops what its doing as is like, "Here, let me show you"

   I don't understand people who do things on weekends. You just did things all week. What's next, more things?? That's how they get you

   My wife finally broke our dog begging at the table. She let him taste her cooking.

   As a high school student, I think I was bitten by a radioactive sloth

   My shrink keeps saying that I should really stop talking to inanimate objects. But what does he know? He's a lamp.