Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   My parents have been attending their own personal Ugly Christmas Sweater Party every holiday season since 1985.

   Santa gets all the credit and I get all the debt

   Sometimes there's a very thin line between "I should share this on Facebook with all my friends" and "I might want to seek private professional help for this"

   Apparently bumblebees don't want you to pet them.

   I'm sorry I cited the five second rule when I dropped your baby

   Remix to conviction.. hot and ready for prison..R. Kelly

   Every time I see one those signs handing on a telephone pole saying "Work From Home! Make Great Money! It's Easy! Call 1800 yada yada yada I can't help but think, if it's so easy why's someone out there working so hard hanging signs?

   I've watched Shrek every night this week and I still cannot find any clues as to how Donkey impregnated the dragon.

   I wish life was like a hockey game. I'd gladly spend five minutes in the penalty box for beating the snot out of someone who pissed me off.

   If my dog has taught me anything, it's avoid people at all cost and take as many naps as possible

   I discovered that growing up in the '60's was more fun than being in my 60's...

   Stop naming hospitals after dead people. I'm mean give us some hope? Where is the Keith Richards Memorial Hospital?

   Just when the world was convinced Canadians were normal, we published a recipe for ketchup cake on our ketchup bottles.

   Bedible: Any kind of food you can successfully eat in bed without excess crummage or drippage

   How come in 1969 we were able to send men all the way to the Moon and maintain perfect communication with them the whole time, while in 2019 I can't walk into the other room without losing a cell phone signal?

   Wanna know what living in Florida is like? Take a hot shower. Don't dry off. Put on all your clothes

   When I go swimming I can feel people dressing me with their eyes.

   Not one person asked me how much faster I can run in my new shoes. Being an adult is f'n dumb!!

   No more edibles for me !! I just Put My ice cream In The Microwave And Entered My Pin Number.

   My newly wed neighbor man asked me about marriage.... I told him it’s sort of like a museum. You have to be quiet and you can’t really touch anything.