Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   The main trouble with mental notes is, the ink fades so fast.

   Ladies, if the bra doesn't fit don't wear one! No need seeing them two looking like two bald men fighting

   I'm no genius, but I am smart enough to know that there is no ''x'' in the words ''especially'', ''espresso'', or ''ask''.

   Don't you find those people who keep updating how many days to christmas annoying? Anyway it's 37 days to christmas.

   I just got my wifes Christmas gift. I hid it in the oven. She will never find it there!

   They say that history repeats itself but, you know, they've said that before.

   My family lives next to a cemetery. Today, there was a funeral. My mom looked out of the window and said, "Look, we're getting new neighbors!" LOVELY

   wants to put handcuffs on, run into a hardware store in a panic and ask for a hacksaw

   "I ain't going through a scanner at the airport until I see Janet Napolitano go through one. I've got a bar bet hanging on her real gender."

   Police were called to a daycare where a three-year-old was resisting a rest.

   happy that President Obama recently visited India. Maybe now we can start sending jobs in Congress offshore.

   Virgins... Thanks for nothing...

   thinking that Venti must be the Italian word for "you just paid an insane amount of money for a cup of coffee."

   wondering what Captain Hook's name was before he lost his hand.

   I have always woundered why people bang their heads against brick walls..... then I met you

   Right now I'm sitting here looking at you trying to see things from your point of view but I can't get my head that far up my ass

   Hey, Remember that time I told you I thought you were cool? I LIED.

   trying to think of someplace to fly to...that pat down thing might not be so bad! I mean...I AM past 50 so pats and excitement like that come far and few between

   features more cowbell than legally allowed in seven countries

   swears he heard a chinese say something along the lines: "Are you harbouring a fugitive?" These are the exact words: Hu Yu Hai Ding?