Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   My laboratory assistant has invented a device that allows you to steal other people's ideas and then permanently delete them from the subject's memory. Why didn't I think of that?

   If they made a remote control to find remote controls, I'd probably lose that too.

   Anti-Depression Tip: Go to your local Wal-Mart and hang out by the fitting rooms. Instant "OMG I'M SO GLAD I'M NOT THEM!" happy.

   The fact that you continue to speak ,although I informed you I'm not listening, puzzles me.

   With gas prices headed towards $4.00/gal, I think its time we formed an intergovernmental organization of oil consumers. We should call it the Organization of Fuel Using Countries, and tell OPEC that if they keep it up they'll be hearing from OFUC.

   Forget air brushing. Your profile pic needs sandblasting!

   feeling the after b-day fb blues ...there's only 1 post from a friend on my wall..and it's farmville..

   screw the box! I think outside the straight-jacket

   I have a recurring, hour-long meeting set on my work calendar for 4pm on Fridays. There's no actual meeting, but I'll be damned if I let someone schedule a real one at that time."

   If you can't fix it with duct tape, WD-40 or a martini it aint worth fixing.

   Dont you ou hate when you're at someone's house and they ask stupid questions like "Who are you?" and "Is that a gun?",

   It was better back when you could look under a bottle cap and see you won instantly, rather than this entering a code online thing they have now. I want to look under the cap and see "YOU WON!" instead of ED34GH.

   There are times where you really do feel sorry for Squidward.

   If you think about it Johnny Bravo would be perfect for Jersey Shore.

   The best thing about using exclamation marks is that no one knows how sad you are!!!

   Trojan rejected my safe sex slogan today. "Don't kid yourself".

   I wonder if he will put Hillary in jail now?

   Goo Goo Dolls and Lady Gaga should do a side project together and call it Goo Goo Gaga.

   Just saw a Christmas tree drive by with a Smart Car strapped to the bottom of it.

   What does "prices too low to advertise" mean? Are they afraid if they advertise the price that too many people will want to buy it?