Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   RIP Leslie Nielsen. I promise not to call you Shirley.

   Can you imagine how hard it was to check the blindspots on the left side if the Millennium Falcon?

   Jealousy is an illness, get well soon!

   LOCAL CHICKEN FARMER HIRING STAFF FOR XMAS, $ 19.50 HR. I told them about your experience handling c*ck, you start Monday......

   found this pic. on the net. The guys name in the photo was “Mike Litoris”. Oh how he must have been picked on as a child!

   You had me at "my giant boobs make my back hurt"

   If they can come out with an app that can do your homework 4 you I swear...

   people who migrate to another country should be expected to respect that culture as in no flag burning and wishing that OUR troops should be killed. They should be deported or arrested for treason

   Whenever I hand someone my camera to take a picture, they act like I'm asking them to pilot an alien spaceship. JUST PUSH THE DAMN BUTTON!

   Acquaintance: a person I know well enough to borrow from, but not well enough to lend to.

   WHOOOAAA!!! I smell the strong stench of "MONDAY" brewing!!

   Sex is like air. It isn't important unless you aren't getting any.

   Hey homeless guy, quick tip: don't panhandle outside the 99 Cent Store, we're not that far from you.

   My anaconda dont want none unless you got buns hun

   whoever dies with the most friends on facebook wins

   Studying for these Harvard finals is pretty rough. I should have gone to Yale.

   I so wish my smoke alarm had a "STFU, I'm cleaning the oven setting".

   A women's work is never done.especially is she asksk her husband to do it

   Wife asks her husband: "What do you like most in me, my pretty face or my sexy body?" He looked at her from head to toe and replied: "I like your sense of humor!"

   ♪ ♫ ♬ Oh Christmas tree oh Christmas tree, you have more balls than me-ee. ♪ ♫ ♬