Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   After the Rapture, can I have your car?

   I don't know if this guy standing next to me is drunk or just a doofus, but be has his phone against his ear and it's on speaker!

   There are two types of people I hate in this world: Nosey people AND people who won't tell me what the hell is going on in their lives.

   It's going to take a lot more than a few “LIKES” on my Facebook page to make me forget what an ass you were in high school.

   When everything else fails... you always have delusion.

   I'm like your virginity, Once i'm gone, you ain't getting me back.

   That inopportune moment when you notice the "For a good time call" # on the bathroom wall is your girlfriend's cell #.

   Ahhhh My Facebook wall filled with pics of new lap tops, cellphones, cameras and countless trips to the tattoo parlor. There is either a sale at Walmart or its Tax time in America!

   <~~When I die I don't want to be in a casket at the Funeral Home..I want them to prop me up sitting in the front row just to mess with people as they walk in ;)

   The more you know, the less you need to say.

   Trying to be less negative but it'll never work.

   When someone offers me constructive criticism, it's clear they've mistaken me for someone else.

   Don't worry about what people think. They don't do it that often.

   I thought 4 cups of coffee might make me feel less stabby but it just made me want to stab faster and more accurately

   Hostage or not, sometimes it's just nice to be held.

   The more “normal” you try to be, the less interesting people like myself will find you.

   Panties are just overpriced wrapping paper.

   You know what's really great about being a narcissist? Me.

   I'm not really a social drinker. I'd say most of my drinking is work related.

   Stop obsessing about sex. Relax, and breathe slowly. Breathe in. Breathe out. In... and out... in and out... IN AND OUT! IN AND OUT! FASTER!