Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Some days you're the Titanic, some days you're the iceberg, and some days you're the guy who jumped off and hit a propeller on the way down....

   I've finally decided to do something about my weight. Lie.

   My exercise tape is just various clips of me driving past the gym.

   Fun game for parents: Scream in horror the first time your child loses a tooth.

   Sorry kids, no wifi this month, our loser neighbor didn't pay his bill.

   Somebody tell mayweather he is supposed to hug his wife and punch the guy in the ring, not the other way around

   I got a job as a store greeter. But apparently "You again?" wasn't the greeting they had in mind.

   I'd stop disappointing you, if you stopped expecting me to do stuff.

   We didn't take a video recording of our child's birth but we have some awesome video of his conception.

   CNN Breaking news: Grand Canyon is closed, please don't look if you are driving or flying through.....

   Just watched a guy in a shirt that read "Jedi I am" trip on a curb and fall. Jedi you are not sir

   I Just watched guy put a wheel barrow in his shopping cart at the Home Depot.... *I'm just going to let that sit here and sink in.*

   So, which one of you is going to be the subject of your local news' annual turkey fryer accident story?

   you know your getting old when you hurt yourself sleeping

   Party in my snowfort at 7pm. BYOB, no coolers needed.

   Would it be wrong to ask a one-eyed person if it really was "all fun and games" up to that point?

   The part of "no" that I don't understand is the part where I don't get what I want.

   you ever have a conversation with someone and think...If only your family tree had a few more branches, this conversation wouldn't be so painful...

   That inopportune moment when you notice the "For a good time call" # on the bathroom wall is your girlfriend's cell #.

   I don't know if this guy standing next to me is drunk or just a doofus, but be has his phone against his ear and it's on speaker!