Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Today, I was waiting for a call from a job I had applied for. When the phone rang, I ran as fast I could up the stairs, falling and slamming my shin on the way. The call? It was a women asking me, "Hi, do you have time to learn about our lord Jesus Christ

   My wife is going to crap when she sees I've fixed the toilet

   would like to crack a dope joke...but sympathies to Houston's family!

   Google "do a barrel roll" (look at the screen while typing)

   stares at you when you're asleep.

   Farmville......Fishville??? Are you serious??? Just wake me up when they launch "Margaritaville"......I'll be there:)

   did you cheat? ... No I opened the book.

   If pink is for Breast cancer, brown should be for colon cancer.

   I think we’ve officially regressed back to medieval peasants. All we do is bake bread, revolt, and avoid plagues

   I wonder how many of the people who don't like that anti religion staus really go to church every Sunday and give atleast 10% of there income to the church. I bet not many

   A school in Kentucky is going to start teaching the Bible in the class room.....yea that's great...but I didn't know anyone in Kentucky knew how to read.

   The most stunning thing about Obama's nuclear announcement was that we have a President who can pronounce "nuclear."

   showing his colleagues your profile and they're all laughing at your picture.

   opening a gym called Resolutions in January. It has exercise equipment for the first 2 weeks of each year, then becomes a bar for the remaining 50

   Fine England, you have princes and princesses, but we have OBAMA.......Oh wait.........;)

   Just remember this holiday season, if you say "May you kiss may ass" really fast... it will sound just like "Merry Christmas"!!!

   Today when you are looking at your pay-stub, keep in mind that the 48 million people on welfare like you!!

   "Osama bin Laden is dead and General Motors is alive."

   Whoever wants to kill anybody, should probably do so in Florida you will be free.

   In the 80's we had Reagan in office. We also had Bob Hope and Johnny Cash. Now we have Obama in office and we have no Hope and no Cash...