Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Damn babe are you Obama’s birth certificate because my mom doesn't believe you exist

   I hate when I walk into Abercrombie and Fitch and I see pictures of me, all over their walls..

   Fun game: Send texts to random numbers saying "OK they're Dead, what should I do with the bodies?"

   If people ask how many kids you have don't say negative two. No one wants to hear about your abortions.

   n't it ironic when you put THE and IRS together it beomes "theirs"? hmmm

   No matter how old you are an empty Christmas wrapping tube is still a Sword!

   feeling down and the only one who can cheer her up is nowhere to be seen

   If dinosaurs no longer exist... then why the hell is barney still alive?"

   s on a Facebook Dating Application!!.. And You Wouldn't Believe All these Celebrity Looks-A-like's that want to Hook up with me!! I'm Gonna be Dating a girl that looks like Miley Cyrus Suckahs!!"

   answering the phone..county morgue, you stab em, we'll slab em

   MMMmmmm just saw an ad for the New Playstation "Move".......... looks amazingly like Wii........ 3 years later...Way to stay on top of your game there Sony... just like coming out with your MP3 player after the I-Pod.....

   consulting the "magic 8-ball" for al decisions today!

   hated it when old aunts used to come up to her at weddings, poke her in the ribs and cackle, "You're next." They stopped after I started doing the same thing to them at funerals.

   Wonder if being a parcel delivery person has its UPS and downs.

   all females should smile it's the second best thing you can do with your lips

   Ok Charlie , If thats winning I want to be a loser the rest of my life

   Come on Rob Zombie, where's some more horror films?!

   87% of the time I'm on facebook, I'm taking a poop!

   I like my women like how I like my dogs. Loyal, color-blind, and my best friend.

   ‎My teddy bears in the wash, may I cuddle with you tonight.