Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Have you ever heard of the theory that if you smell an onion while chewing an apple that it taste like an onion?words of wisdom, don't chew gum in the bathroom.

   Homeless people have been known to step outside the box.

   I rate that sharks circle before attacking because humans taste better without sh*t in them.

   Never trust a woman who doesn't b*tch about everything.

   The single biggest problem in communication is the illusion that it has taken place

   I'm always right. And when I'm not, I edit Wikipedia.

   TO THE GOVERNMENT AGENTS WHO'VE BEEN ILLEGALLY MONITORING OUR TEXTS, ALL I HAVE TO SAY IS THIS: Was that message I sent Ashley too forward?

   I'm playing Nickelback at your funeral to make sure you're really dead and not faking it

   Nothing is impossible. I know a man that once guessed correctly why a woman was mad at him.

   Nobody talks to the hand any more.

   California announced that Marijuana Dispensaries will be closing! Do they realize the dramatic impact this will have on the economy. Sales of Funyons, 7-11 Burritos, Visine, and all other junk food are going to plummet!!!

   Nothing more awkward then being 10 minutes into a porno and realizing there's no girls in it...

   I just heard a woodpecker call me a 'paranoid old weirdo' in morse code.

   Passed a vampire, a zombie, and a prostitute on the way to work tonight. Not sure which ones were in costume...

   Been hearing a lot lately about bleaching your a$$hole. Do you just dump bleach over his head & keep out of his eyes or make him consume it?

   Day 1. I am thankful that I haven't fallen into the trap of Facebook thankful status updates.

   When I go pick up my friends I tell them that 'im here' when I'm 5 minutes away so I'm only waiting 2 minutes in the driveway

   It’s amazing how fast your mood can change after you step in some water with socks on.

   Twerking is great for working out your legs and daddy issues at the same time

   I miss the life I planned in my head.