Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I parked in a disabled bay in tesco this morning, a bloke shouted "oi what's your disability" I said "tourettes ya c*nt, now feck off":-)

   I coulda sworn Kobe came out of the closet years ago.

   GUILTY: Because you can't abort justice.

   I find it weird that restraining orders don't specify what kind of restraints to use.

   Call me old fashioned, but on some nights there's nothing quite like curling up next to my kindle fire with a good eBook.

   twas the night before Christmas & all through the trailer park, not a creature was stirring, not even a dog's bark (redneck edition)

   If you dont drink, then all of your stories suck and end with, And then I got home...

   In the past, when you were angry with someone you fought them. Now you just delete them off Facebook. Yeah that'll teach 'em to not mess with you.

   The other day I was trying to think of Cris Brown's biggest hit....That's when I realized it was Rihanna!

   If I can give some advice to the gentleman, you can say you love her but actions speak louder than words. Females have had guys talk and talk, and the actions dont match up. If you wanna prove you are not like the rest, act like it. Dont just say it.

   The Hamburglar burgled HAM. If he stole burgers, he'd be called the Hamburgerburglar.

   I have friends that my mom hates. I love those friends the most.

   I have friends that my wife hates. I love those friends the most.

   I will stop drinking when a mute guy tells a deaf guy that a blind guy saw a legless guy walk on water. Get the hint?

   If G0d is all-seeing, why doesn't He ever say, "Hey humans, you look nice today." Is an occasional compliment too much to ask?

   Sorry, Rick Santorum, but you have to carry your dead presidential campaign to full term...

   Wear short sleeves! Support your right to bare arms!

   Who the fnck do you think you are and why are you breathing?!!

   "1..2..3.. SMILE!"...... "Did you take it yet?" "Damn, it's on video!"

   u don't have to be 15 to be fat & a loser . . . you can be ur age fat & a loser . . . which means i'm probably right . . . just sayin :)