Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If I can give some advice to the gentleman, you can say you love her but actions speak louder than words. Females have had guys talk and talk, and the actions dont match up. If you wanna prove you are not like the rest, act like it. Dont just say it.

   The Hamburglar burgled HAM. If he stole burgers, he'd be called the Hamburgerburglar.

   I have friends that my mom hates. I love those friends the most.

   I have friends that my wife hates. I love those friends the most.

   I will stop drinking when a mute guy tells a deaf guy that a blind guy saw a legless guy walk on water. Get the hint?

   If G0d is all-seeing, why doesn't He ever say, "Hey humans, you look nice today." Is an occasional compliment too much to ask?

   Sorry, Rick Santorum, but you have to carry your dead presidential campaign to full term...

   Wear short sleeves! Support your right to bare arms!

   Who the fnck do you think you are and why are you breathing?!!

   "1..2..3.. SMILE!"...... "Did you take it yet?" "Damn, it's on video!"

   u don't have to be 15 to be fat & a loser . . . you can be ur age fat & a loser . . . which means i'm probably right . . . just sayin :)

   been drinking since, wait... WHO STOLD MY WATCH???

   had a Black Out last night .........she was a very lovely girl so I asked her out again for next weekend

   White folks are so comfortable with rap music nowadays that we gonn start seein' fanny packs that say "Thug Life".

   Disrespect: Giving someone half the peace sign without suggesting they are number one

   ...Singer Morrisey says Chinese are a “subspecies.” Sorry I'd write more but there's a subspecies at my door with my dinner

   I was thinkin bout her, thinkin bout me, what we gonna be? open my eyes, yeah... it was only just a dreammmmmmmmm .....

   maybe we can chug on over to mamby pamby land, where Maybe we can find some self-confidence for you, ya Jackwagon!! ...... tissue? ...... crybaby

   got bored with the eclipse and watched Lord of the G-strings instead.

   courtesy just isn't that common anymore. That and decent customer service.