Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Coffee is a gateway drug. You end up stirring liquid with increasingly larger sticks until eventually you're paddling a kayak.

   All dressed in my jammies and ready for bed, gonna give my sheets some ass and my pillows some head!! nighty night!!

   a busy day of laying on the couch while snacking and watching football ahead.

   1st grader: I need something to drink. College graduate: I N33|) 50m37h1nG t0 dr1nKz

   I have a dream, that I could just get paid for having a dream.

   I going to wear my Pinocchio G-string underwear to bed..... and tell my wife to tell me lies,,,,,,, tell me sweet little lies!!!!!!!...I will let you know how it goes.... LOL :-)

   Im 100% convinced, the Coronavirus is nothing but a l*beral plot to take down Trump. I hate libt*rds so much!

   they found the body of the guy who stole all the celebrity's nude photos. Apparently he has been high fived to death.

   I am drawn to people that seek the truth, but avoid those that profess to have found it. Take a hint preachers.

   As a Christian I have no duty to allow myself to be cheated, but I have the duty to be a fighter for truth and justice.

   says learning Linux isn't just easy, it's fun, too! Actual shell commands: "unzip; strip; touch; finger; mount; fsck; more; yes; umount; sleep"... ahhh the subtle beauty of UNIX.

   - Ok, so you say I shouldn't drink and drive. I understand that part, but then how the f*#@ am I supposed to get home?

   Paula Deen loves fried chicken but she don't like no dark meat!

   missing the way things were...where the F is that time machine?

   as seen on TV

   Hey you looney liberal... if that hooker says she'll give you an "Obama" for $20, she means she'll be happy to take a sh!t your face.

   cutting your brakes

   Jury Duty is where the government calls you when they want and says, "Hey Bro, we need you to solve a murder, here's $15.00."

   I hate when my dog stares at me while I'm having sex. That's why I bang him from behind.

   Cain's plan: Nine, nine, nine. OBama's plan: none,none,none.