Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I was carring my baby cousin and a dragon fly lands on my shoulder in the parking lot. The shoulder that is also the start button for me to go into scream, panic, and drop everything mode

   Thinks Spiders are incredible. Us humans think we are so smart...Lets try shooting silk outta our butts and see what we could make!

   Do you think P.Diddy ever wakes up feeling like kesha ?

   all these pokes I'm getting am I supposed to sound like the pillsbury doughboy

   Facebook your always asking whats on my mind...But what I really want to know is whats on your mind?

   brakes for unicorns.

   I plan to only eat aberdeen angus beef for every meal in January. aberdeen angus beef that has been slain by my hands. my BARE hands!

   An ideal mind is a devil's workshop...mine is a warehouse!

   A New Year's resolution is something that goes in one year and out the other.

   Dont sh!t where you eat...A friendly reminder brought to you by The Stop Being A Dumb@ss Association.

   going for Gold in the Men's Uphill Giant Slalom....Gravity is a B*tch!

   as nervous as a long tailed cat in a room ful of rocking chairs.

   if you're gonna be a smart ass, atleast try not to look dumb.

   I'm fed up with my brain remembering crap I'd like to forget and forgetting crap I'd like to remember!

   Anybody else have a turkey hangover?

   homework ; do me now! facebook ; don't listen to that slut.

   I'm not superstitious. Stitious, yes, but not in a heightened sense. I am, however, super lazy sometimes.

   If you see any grown man with beads at the end of his braids, please knock his azz TF out

   Parents: You can help fight childhood obesity by stop feeding your child, fatty foods!!

   They say heavy Cell phone use causes brain cancer. Fellas this is a great excuse when she ask why you ain't pick up